Thanks for visiting my blog. I thought I would start off by introducing myself and giving my testimony to God's work in my life.
Growing up Catholic, I remember from a very early age the Bible's condemnation of homosexual behavior. The strengthening same gender attractions I experienced as a teenager were frightening to me and served to produce overwhelming feelings of shame. I spent many years trying to suppress my attractions and holding out hope that these urges were just some kind of phase I was going through. I thought that eventually I would be just like all of my other friends who were interested in girlfriends, dating and marriage. These hopes for change never did materialize. Perhaps out of some anger with God, I started to act out on these homosexual desires. I reasoned that if God had created me as a gay man than it was simply cruel and unreasonable for Him to expect me to pretend to be something that I wasn't. I'd asked Him repeatedly to take these desires away from me and He didn't, and so I rationalized that the problem was with Him – not with me. It took many years for me to really embrace homosexuality. I had been spending large amounts of time on gay websites where my focus was really on finding other local guys to meet up with. In my late twenties, I finally summoned up what I considered at the time to be the courage to come out as gay to pretty much everyone I knew. I felt a sense of freedom that this part of me was finally out there. I really had the full support of my mom and sisters as well as many of my friends. The gay community offered me something that I had been denying myself through my secrecy for years. I felt embraced and accepted. As time went on more and more of my time was being spent at local gay bars – often drinking excessively and eventually getting into other drugs, especially cocaine.
As I continued down this path, God continued to be further and further from my mind. Finally, in my late 30's, I had started suffering with anxiety and panic attacks. With my awareness of the negative effects of cocaine, I was often fearful that the panic attacks I was having might actually be a heart attack. Finally, on New Years Day of 2010, after a couple hours with a rapid heart beat and feeling lightheaded, I drove to the emergency room. I was somewhat scared and for whatever reason, I decided to talk to God. Selfishness pretty much characterized my life during this period of time, and rather than simply praying to Him for guidance, I tried to make a deal with Him. I told Him that if He just allowed this episode – what I thought was a heart attack – to pass, I would work on being more healthy....I might even start exercising. Well, as I should have known, we don't set the terms of a deal with God. This was the point in time God began to change my life in ways that were unlike anything I had ever experienced...
After a couple of hours in the emergency room, the diagnosis was once again a panic attack. I felt relieved and went back home. I didn't give any thought at all to that bargain I had made with God. I did, however, have the desire to go online and look for a personal trainer or some type of gym to possibly start working out. I didn't really do this out of any sense of obligation to God because of my “bargain”. I simply felt like I wanted to take some steps to be more healthy. I stumbled across a website, contacted them, and I soon got a call from one of the trainers and started exercising. Everything was going along fine but I was becoming increasingly aware of changes in my thoughts, which were becoming more drawn toward spirituality. Well, I soon found out that the step-father of my trainer was a Christian Pastor. My perception of Christians was pretty negative at the time – mostly due to the conflict I perceived between the church and homosexuals – so I thought this was an interesting development. I found myself being somehow drawn to my trainer as well as his sisters, who were also personal trainers and who I would often see at the studio. I had no idea what it was that was drawing me to them, just a perception that they had something that I lacked. Well, our conversations soon turned toward God, spirituality, and religion and he invited me to attend his church some time.
I never did find whatever it was that I was seeking from the “gay community”. Since coming becoming a follower of Christ, my life has changed in so many profound ways. I struggled with the issue of homosexuality and how it fit into God's plan for me. It was immediately impressed upon me by God that the sexual activity had to stop right away. Somewhat to my surprise, God graciously enabled me to obey Him in this area relatively easily. What I was left with though were thoughts of being alone for the rest of my life and never having that “significant” person like a spouse who you could rely on to be there for you through hardships or in old age. I frequently burdened my new Christian brothers with unrealistic and selfish demands, expecting them to fill emotional needs I had that no one person could ever fill. God used my struggles in looking for comfort from others to bring me much closer to Him. In those frequent times of isolation and intense feelings of being alone, He faithfully revealed Himself to me. Although my prayers to Him were geared toward relieving me of my loneliness, He always chose to do something even better than that. He would come to me right in the very worst moments of my loneliness. When I felt like I could get no lower, no more pitiful, depressed, unloved and abandoned by everyone, He constantly whispered to me; “I'm still here and I always will be”. I'm a pretty stubborn person and so it took quite a few repetitions of these periods of depression. What He was doing was reinforcing to me the promise He makes to believers in Hebrews 13:5:
“...I will never leave you nor forsake you.”
So while up to this point I had believed that I would get closer to God through Him rescuing me from all of my emotional struggles, I now came to realize that it was in finding Him right there with me in the worst of my struggles that most powerfully demonstrated His power and compassion. I had spent years avoiding my struggles through secrecy and pursuing selfish interests and so God seemed to be demonstrating to me that my path to healing had to include facing struggles head on and being transparent with some good brothers. He showed me that no matter what situation I faced, what needs I had, or what I thought wasn't going my way, He never leaves me. He would be with me through every moment of the rest of my life. While my order of things was to first find friends who could meet my needs, His order for me was to find Him first, to cast my needs upon Him, and only then could healthy relationships begin to develop.
Transformation for me has not been a change in my attractions from men to women. I still struggle with same sex temptations. While the temptations I face in this area have lessened over the past couple of years, the real transformation He has worked in me has been in giving me the freedom to make different choices in the midst of those temptations. My struggle with homosexuality allows me to feel the depths of Gods love for me like nothing else I can imagine would. He took an area of my life that I felt I had no control over and turned it in to one where I have the freedom to choose Him rather than sexual sin. This continued struggle is a powerful reminder to me every single day that I am completely unable to live up to God's standards on my own, and that it is only through the power of the Holy Spirit and the death and resurrection of Christ that I am able to claim any sort of victory in this area of my life. By coming to know that I am weak in this area, I can offer it up to Him as something I am powerless to control and can only rely on His strength to keep me in a place of obedience. Apart from God, I have no victory in this area of my life.
I have found comfort in many of the verses in the Bible, but here are 2 of them that I have found most impacting.
The first is 1 Corinthians 6:9-11:
"Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God."
God's never condemns us for our sinfulness without offering us hope and encouragement. Because He sacrificed His Son to atone for our sinfulness, He can say to us “and such were some of you”. When we place our trust in Christ we are a new creation, free from the labels of our past, and with a new identity that is in Christ.
The second verse is James 5:16:
"Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed..."
It was by putting my struggles out there among my brothers that God was able to work through those good brothers to demonstrate to me His compassion. By letting my brothers more fully know me, God could use them to provide healing for me within healthy Christian relationships.
Thank you for allowing me to tell you some of the ways that God has been at work in my life.
