I think in many ways, when I initially started attending my church in January 2010, the men there who knew of my past were very reluctant to be open to friendship with me. I certainly felt, and still feel, that I have to prove myself to them in some way. This is not at all the case with all men, but it is a reality with many of them. It is somewhat in line with the prevalent feeling of many homosexuals seeking Christ in the church in that it sometimes seems like Christians expect you to fix this sin of homosexuality before the church will embrace you - rather than the church embracing the homosexual and walking alongside him while God transforms him and "fixes" the problem.
In many ways, I see a huge amount of selfishness, self-love, and self-pleasing behavior in how same sex attraction expressed itself in me. Sure, I cared about people and thought myself to be a loving person, but not in the way that I have been coming to understand love now as a follow of Christ. Much of my love then (and still in some ways) was given out to others so that I could receive the same back from them. It was also a love that had me at the top of my priority list. Upon close inspection, most of my love was self-serving. I think this has begun to shift in great ways over the past couple of years. I much more closely examine my motivations when trying to discern whether my loving someone is selfless or really, when you peel off all the layers, just selfish in that it is a love given out in order to gain from it.
To get back to my topic, friends have at times told me that they need to understand me in order to have some kind of stable friendship with me. That comment has come up in situations where maybe a certain activity or situation has caused conflict or misunderstanding in the past and when the same situation is about to present itself again, the friend has said "now that I understand you better...", often ending with "I think things will be better this time." Why is it necessary to understand me in order to get along with me in general or in some certain circumstance? I think that at times this reaction is more typical of those friends who have certain insecurities, as it often seems to be an expression that relays a certain mistrust of my motivations and behaviors arising from my past life of embracing homosexuality.
It has been very difficult for me to develop close relationships with other Christian men over these past few years. Part of the blame certainly falls upon myself for this. When I began to realize just how much of my drive and temptations to have sex with men were related to this powerful draw I have toward closeness to them, I began to seek that closeness and intimacy in friendships, without sex, almost in a frenzied manner. It is as if I realized that when in close, emotionally intimate relationships with other men, my temptations and drive toward sex was greatly diminished...so now I am going to go out and frantically seek out this closeness as a means to remain sexually pure! Realizing this link between closeness/intimacy with men and sex was obviously huge for me, so I pursued a few friendships in what I can now see were probably unhealthy ways. Where sex had become a shortcut to closeness and intimacy with other men in the past, I was now able to set that aside, but was driving toward closeness as fast as I could while short-cutting all those things that foster genuinely close and intimate relationships. It is actually kind of comical to me when I think about how I pursued some friendships in this manner over the past few years. While it certainly didn't cross my mind at the time, I was really declaring (in my mind) about some person "I like you. You are fun to be with, you are nice to me. I see value in you, now lets be best friends!" It's always this race for me to get close to people in an unnatural way. I didn't have the patience to let things develop more naturally. Things like trust and loyalty which, for me, are essential in a close friend cannot just be created by a "snap of the fingers". They are built up between two people as they experience life together; often for years. A close friendship isn't "declared". It is created between two people who have demonstrated to each other their trustworthiness, value, loyalty, compassion, love, and commitment to each others good over a long period of time.
I think that a large part of my dissatisfaction with friendships is largely related to this. In many ways, I am just an impatient person. I see something I like and I want it now. This impatience applies to people as well. In these rushes to forge an instant bond of closeness to a friend, I often have overlooked things that I shouldn't have. Especially when it comes to those characteristics I seek in close friends which I listed in the previous paragraph, had I had the patience required of building good relationships, I likely would not have chosen to become close to some of the people that I have throughout my life. Perhaps they weren't people who would prove to be trustworthy, loyal, loving, compassionate, or committed to good. And sadly, perhaps I wouldn't prove to be all of those things to them as well. With many of those people who, over my lifetime, I "forced" close friendship with, I often assigned qualities to them that did not exist in them. And when they acted consistent with their nature, in a way that contradicted those qualities I am looking for, I would become angry and disappointed in them.
In many ways, I think even if I had 1,000 friends, I would still be dissatisfied with my friendships. It has never been about having a lot of friends for me, although at times I have had many friends. I have always been one who sought out just a couple of good, close friends to devote my life to. I feel to be a true friend to someone, you have to be committed to their good. You have to be available to them in times of need and times of rejoicing. They should be a priority in your life. You should encourage them and give them hope, and you should tell them the truth. During their struggles, your time commitment may increase even more. This is how I want to be with my close friends. I don't see these things as a burden, more just what good friends do and are for one another. I would give most anything to or for my good friends; and it is no big accomplishment for me as it is how I am inclined to be.
I value close friendships in a way that unfortunately, most others do not. My good friends are the primary objects of the love that I have to offer other people; as well as one of the few sources I have to receive love from people. For most of my friends, their own love goes toward a spouse, mother, father, etc. For me my love is for my friends. As a Christian with same sex attractions, marriage is unlikely and friendships will always be (other than God) the most significant relationships I have in my life. This is difficult for me in that I am not the most significant person to anyone else. The significant people in my friends lives are always a spouse, girlfriend, boyfriend, etc. It is sometimes very difficult for me to have these imbalanced friendships. It seems that in my close friendships, I hold my friend to a much higher level of love and significance, or importance, than they do me. I understand the realities of the situation, and I am not advocating that I take precedence over the marriage partner, but none the less, this uneven level of significance and importance is difficult for me to live with sometimes. I am not aware of any good friendship I have in which I am more significant to my friend than they are to me; or even of friendships in which both parties find each other equally significant or important in each one's life.
I think the lessons I have been learning from much of what I wrote here are just greater patience and trust in God to provide me with the friendships that I need, as well as some amount of discernment in pursuing friendships in which the journey toward closeness and intimacy is mutual. Perhaps even coming to be able to be content in friendships that aren't as close as I would like them to be, but are still valuable in ways. I don't feel as though I have been prone to the same kind of rush to friendship that has characterized me in the past, but it is something I need to continue to be aware of. Being able to feel close and significant to people is still a huge challenge for me, and a very real need. That emotional, and even in some aspects, physical closeness to a good friend has helped so much to contribute to the lessening of my sexual temptations. Gradual steps toward vulnerability toward a friend as he has been earning trust, honesty even when it is not pleasant, support, encouragement, as well as prayer for the friend have been great ways which have been helping me slowly develop meaningful relationships. Further, just a simple hug from a friend has been helpful to me in understanding that closeness through physical touch is something I can achieve with men - and it is completely separate from physical sexual contact. Whatever happens with the friendships that I am developing now or new ones in the future, it would be dishonest for me to pretend that things haven't been improving - they have. It is just difficult sometimes to have hope that I will have have a place of significance to another human being; that when I am gone I will be missed, or even that anyone will stop to take note.
Not in the context of every close friendship in my life, but regardless of that, the story of David and Jonathan has always been of great interest to me. It's almost the ideal by which I measure friendship; which is probably not helpful in my evaluations of my good friends. This is one type of friendship that I find appealing, but certainly only rarely, if ever attainable. I would tend to see most relationships hitting some sort of friendship "ceiling" long before approaching this, but I have to assume that God put this story of love between two men in the Bible for a reason. David and Jonathan's friendship is one that was orchestrated and blessed by God, and I don't think one like this could be attained without God's direct involvement in putting two people together in order to glorify Him individually and through a strong love and commitment to each other; in effect also gaining glory for Himself as a result of the two together in friendship. I am not at all of the belief that they were indulging in any kind of homosexual behavior as some pro-gay theologians assert. I cannot, however, declare that some form of same sex attraction, even if to a small degree, may have been present in one or both of them. Really it shouldn't even matter if that attraction was there or not since it didn't manifest itself in any sexual form. But what draws me toward their story is the description of Jonathan's soul being knit to David's, Jonathan loving David as his own soul, and David declaring Jonathan's love for him as being more wonderful than that of women:
As soon as he had finished speaking to Saul, the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul. And Saul took him that day and would not let him return to his father's house. Then Jonathan made a covenant with David, because he loved him as his own soul. And Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that was on him and gave it to David, and his armor, and even his sword and his bow and his belt. (1 Samuel 18:1-4 ESV)
...David rose from beside the stone heap and fell on his face to the ground and bowed three times [before Jonathan]. And they kissed one another and wept with one another, David weeping the most. Then Jonathan said to David, “Go in peace, because we have sworn both of us in the name of the LORD, saying, ‘The LORD shall be between me and you, and between my offspring and your offspring, forever." And he rose and departed, and Jonathan went into the city. (1 Samuel 20:41-42 ESV)
And Jonathan, Saul's son, rose and went to David at Horesh, and strengthened his hand in God. And he said to him, “Do not fear, for the hand of Saul my father shall not find you. You shall be king over Israel, and I shall be next to you. Saul my father also knows this.” And the two of them made a covenant before the LORD. (1 Samuel 23:16-18 ESV)
“I am distressed for you, my brother Jonathan;The love between David and Jonathan is extraordinary. I am certainly not implying that in order for a friendship to be considered close it must rise to the level of David and Jonathan's. Friendships such as this one are likely very rare - but it does signify to me that God can bless friendships that honor Him with amazing love, giving, commitment, comfort, vulnerability and loyalty - even to the extent of the "knitting" of the friends souls together. Futhermore, these and other passages in the Bible clearly demonstrate God's approval of close and loving friendships between men; even to the extent of physical closeness as displayed here by them kissing one another. Another example of physical closeness occurs at the Last Supper where we see John "the disciple whom Jesus loved" reclining on the breast of Jesus:
You have been very pleasant to me.
Your love to me was more wonderful
Than the love of women."
(2 Samuel 1:26 NASB)
There was reclining on Jesus’ bosom one of His disciples, whom Jesus loved. So Simon Peter gestured to him, and said to him, “Tell us who it is of whom He is speaking.” He, leaning back thus on Jesus’ bosom, said to Him, “Lord, who is it?” (John 13:23-25 NASB)It is a shame that in today's world, at least in America, all of the activity above would be viewed from the outside looking in as homosexual. Clearly by it's placement in the Bible, it is not. Love and closeness between men is demonstrated and encouraged throughout God's word. It is unfortunate that the culture has infected the church to the extent that this type of relationship is no longer considered good and sought after; in fact it is something that most men would likely run from.
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