Men's Group

I have been fortunate to be a part of a men's discipleship group for the past several months.  The group also has a component of it which focuses more on accountability, and I will likely write about that aspect of this in the near future.  This larger discipleship group currently is comprised of 10 men.  We meet every Saturday and it is organized through the church I attend.  We have been working through the Men With No Regrets workbook series.  I was very reluctant to participate in this group, however I was encouraged to make the commitment to it by my pastor, who was organizing the group, and by a good friend who would also be participating.

Looking back, I think my reluctance to jump into this group was brought on by a couple of factors.  One of them was certainly my past experiences when in groups of heterosexual men (church or otherwise); be it a group of 3 or 50.  When I find myself in some type of group or gathering of men, I have a tendency to focus on the ways that I am different from them rather than seeing all of the ways that we are similar.  This usually leaves me with a sense of feeling that I don't really fit in or belong with them.  In all honesty, I don't really have an interest in many of the things that these guys tend to talk about.  I like sports, especially football, but I don't feel the need to be up on every aspect of it or to know every stat.  I enjoy participating in sports such as football, softball, etc., but I'm really not all that good so I tend to shy away from them.  I like family and kids, however not having a spouse or children, I feel like their is only so much that I can add to conversations of this type.  In addition, I just get a sense of not being considered "one of the guys" on some level.

Another reason I was reluctant to jump in to this group was my past history at my church.  I had tried a group or two before, but they seemed to focus on turning Christian men into "masculine men", or some kind of macho tough guy type of thing..implying that the Christian man should be tough, rugged, self-sufficient, and all of those other stereo types that come to mind.  It also seemed like the overwhelming focus of these groups was on being a good husband and father; two roles that I do not envision myself having to be concerned with in the future.  In fairness, I didn't really stick around in these groups long enough to get an accurate picture of them...but this was my perception.

This perception of what the group would be led me to feel that the goal of this group would be to try and change me in the area of my masculinity...to get me to conform to what the current "thinkers" feel that the ideal Christian man should look and act like...and I was not so sure that I wanted or needed to change in some of these areas.  I didn't (and still don't) believe that the committed follower of Christ has to have any certain amount of physical toughness, or be the stereotypical tough guy that I was envisioning in my head.  He doesn't have to have everything under control and be emotionless, strong at all times and fiercely guard his struggles.  I felt very strongly that many of the traits that I have been born with, or somehow developed during childhood or those years I spent living as a closeted gay man and then an out gay man, are traits that can fit very nicely within a life devoted to Christ.  Most men don't seem too willing to talk about emotions, feelings, struggles, etc.  I am willing; and I think this willingness to be vulnerable is completely compatible with the Scriptures.  But I also understand how it is not, perhaps, the "norm" and too much of a display of sensitivity on my part is going to cause many men to distance themselves from me.

I guess the final reason that comes to mind right now for the reluctance I had was that I knew going into this that I would be the only one in the group who struggles with same sex attraction.  This wasn't really all that important to me...but it was significant to me that all of the other guys in the group were married.  I would be the only single person out of 13 guys at the time.  I really didn't see any way for me to relate to these guys, or for them to relate to me on a group level.  Singleness for me is likely a lifetime condition.  For these guys singleness is, or was something they experienced and passed through while dating and eventually becoming engaged and married.

I struggled very much over the first couple of months to keep myself in the group.  Everything inside me was screaming to quit the group, that my participation was damaging to me.  All of those feelings of not fitting in and being different that I had experienced all of my life came back really strongly.  Further, I didn't really seem to be making any progress in developing friendships with any of the guys.  

I struggled through this process and really fought to be present each week and to contribute to the group.  I grew more confident in myself, through a stronger relationship with Christ, and that I did have something to offer these guys, even if I am different then them.  

As I evaluate my experience in this group at present, I am grateful that I had friends in my life who encouraged me to participate and for the role that this group of guys has played in bringing me closer to the Lord.  I also value the relationships that have begun to develop with some of the men in the group.  For instance, the man who I referred to earlier as my pastor, I now refer to as my friend.  For the past few weeks, my confidence has not been what it was and perhaps as a result I am not valuing this group in the same way that I had been up until recently.  But I clearly remember what it meant to me to feel an equal part of a group of men, and I am fighting every day to regain that strength and confidence that comes only as a gift from God and through my relationship with Christ.

It is stunning to realize that after months of building strength and confidence in the Lord, as well as growing in relationships with men in the church, this strength, confidence and security in friendships can be lost so quickly.  I trace the beginning of my fall back to an event that once again made me feel like an outsider in a group of men.  It's likely that the factors involved in my fall go back further than this one incident...but it is this one event that sticks out in my mind as the point to which I can trace my struggle to maintain a "right" relationship with the Lord.

Sometimes every single day seems like it is such a battle just to even maintain the status quo, and the task of actually growing and transforming into something more Christlike seems like an insurmountable challenge.  It would be nice if the command "die to yourself" could be accomplished through a one time decision, choice, or event; but in reality it is something I have to do every day just to tread water in my walk of faith.  It can be a battle to even just maintain the belief that my friends really are my friends; and to fight this feeling of loneliness that can sometimes still be powerful even though I am in the presence and company of people who care about me.

It disappoints me so much that I still have moments when I selfishly want a break from living by His "rules".  I don't feel any pull to going back to the gay lifestyle.  Thank God for that.  But I do just feel like I am really tired and need to step away from all of this for a short time.  After being on this journey now for a few months short of 3 years, and having some great friends who have loved me, walked beside me, and invested so much time and energy in me, I feel like I have let them down and most of all let God down.  And this, whatever you call it time that I am going through now takes away my ability, or perhaps God's ability through me, to inspire others and give them hope that God can heal all things.

But the silver lining in all of this, and what I cling to, remains the faith and hope I have in God to continue to transform me and to keep me among friends who will fight for this with me...encouraging me on in the my race to regain the strength and confidence I once had through Christ.  I am left right now knowing these four things:

1. I have changed, and I am not what I use to be by the grace of God and the work of the Holy Spirit who indwells me.
2. God has used me to impact others for Him; and I have every reason to believe that He will continue to work in me so that I can be of greater use in His accomplishing His plan.
3. Although it is sometimes a struggle to feel His comfort directly, my Father will never leave me or forsake me and He will always provide exactly what I need.
4. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.  “So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own."  (Matthew 6:33-34 NASB)