Friendship: Part 4 - Loyalty

A man of many companions may come to ruin,

but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

(Proverbs 18:24 ESV)

A friend is a trusted confidante to whom I am mutually drawn as a companion and ally, whose love for me is not dependent on my performance, and whose influence draws me closer to God.

Loyal:  Merriam Webster Dictionary

1)  : unswerving in allegiance: as
        a : faithful in allegiance to one's lawful sovereign or government
        b : faithful or devoted to a private person to whom fidelity is due
        c : faithful to a cause, ideal, custom, institution, or product

Synonyms: constant, dedicated, devoted, devout, down-the-line, fast, good, faithful, pious, staunch, steadfast, steady, true, true-blue

What is a loyal Christian friend?  What does loyalty look like in the relationship between two Christians?  The story of David and Jonathan provides an example of a commitment between friends which exhibits loyalty, and its components of faithfulness, allegiance, and devotion.  First, we see the two bound together in 1 Samuel 18:

...the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul.

(1 Samuel 18:1 ESV)

And further, in 1 Samuel 18:3, we see that Jonathan makes a covenant with David:

Then Jonathan made a covenant with David, because he loved him as his own soul.

(1 Samuel 18:3 ESV)

And then we see Jonathan's loyalty to David expressed through his dedication, devotion, and faithfulness by offering him his future place as King.  He sacrificed his own personal gain and in devotion to David, equipped him for the battles that would lead to David taking the thrown after Saul's death:

And Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that was on him and gave it to David, and his armor, and even his sword and his bow and his belt.

(1 Samuel 18:4 ESV)

An essential part of loyalty between Christian friends is the presence of the Lord between them.  Our loyalty to friends, or anyone else, should never compromise our loyalty to God.  In any close friendship between two people, it should always be remembered that in fact, this third element, God, is always present.  Jonathan realized this in declaring to David:

"...behold, the LORD is between you and me forever.”

(1 Samuel 20:23 ESV)

An essential element of loyalty to a friend is the willingness to defend him against untrue or unfair criticisms, slander, injustice, accusations, and even physical threats.  Jonathan's devotion to David led him to be in conflict with his own father, the King, Saul:

Then Saul's anger was kindled against Jonathan, and he said to him, “You son of a perverse, rebellious woman, do I not know that you have chosen the son of Jesse [David] to your own shame, and to the shame of your mother's nakedness? For as long as [David] lives on the earth, neither you nor your kingdom shall be established. Therefore send and bring him to me, for he shall surely die.” Then Jonathan answered Saul his father, “Why should he be put to death? What has he done?” But Saul hurled his spear at him to strike him. So Jonathan knew that his father was determined to put David to death. And Jonathan rose from the table in fierce anger and ate no food the second day of the month, for he was grieved for David, because his father had disgraced him.

(1 Samuel 20:30-34 ESV)

Further, upon learning of Saul's intent to kill David, Jonathan acted swiftly to protect his friend by warning David:

In the morning Jonathan went out into the field to the appointment with David, and with him a little boy. And he said to his boy, “Run and find the arrows that I shoot.” As the boy ran, he shot an arrow beyond him. And when the boy came to the place of the arrow that Jonathan had shot, Jonathan called after the boy and said, “Is not the arrow beyond you?” And Jonathan called after the boy, “Hurry! Be quick! Do not stay!” So Jonathan's boy gathered up the arrows and came to his master. But the boy knew nothing. Only Jonathan and David knew the matter. And Jonathan gave his weapons to his boy and said to him, “Go and carry them to the city.” And as soon as the boy had gone, David rose from beside the stone heap and fell on his face to the ground and bowed three times. And they kissed one another and wept with one another, David weeping the most. Then Jonathan said to David, “Go in peace, because we have sworn both of us in the name of the LORD, saying, ‘The LORD shall be between me and you, and between my offspring and your offspring, forever.’” And he rose and departed, and Jonathan went into the city.

(1 Samuel 20:35-42 ESV)

In the story of David and Jonathan, it seems that Jonathan was the one to display the greater loyalty and devotion.  It is because Jonathan was aware of God's will in the situation, that David was His choice to be king after Saul's death, that he could faithfully maintain this fierce loyalty and love of David.  David clearly shared in this love between these two great friends:

“How the mighty have fallen

in the midst of the battle!

"Jonathan lies slain on your high places.

I am distressed for you, my brother Jonathan;

very pleasant have you been to me;

your love to me was extraordinary,

surpassing the love of women.

“How the mighty have fallen,

and the weapons of war perished!”

(2 Samuel 1:25-27 ESV)

The loyalty exhibited in the friendship of David and Jonathan was extraordinary.  It is likely that most of us will never experience this type of fierce loyalty among friends.  However, this does not mean that loyalty is not something to be valued and sought after in our own friendships.  How can we show our Christian friends loyalty in our thoughts and actions toward them?

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.
(Proverbs 17:17 ESV)

Do not forsake your friend or your father's friend...

(Proverbs 27:10 ESV)

Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another. 

(Proverbs 27:17 ESV) 

Some more common ways that come to mind in which we should strive to demonstrate our love by being loyal:

• Honesty with our friends in all ways and at all times (Pr 24:26, Pr 11:3)
• Share with total transparency
• Risk vulnerability by sharing deeply and intimately
• Communicate truth in love, even if it means risking the loss of the friend (Pr 27:6)
• Putting our friends needs above our own (Phil 2:3-4) (Jn 15:14)
• Self-sacrifice for the sake of a friend
• Supporting our friends in times of struggle and in times of prosperity (Pr 17:17)
• Keeping the confidences of our friends (Pr 17:9)
• Seeking to please our friend and do what is best (Ruth 3:5, 1 Sam 20:4)
• Seeking out the companionship of our friend (2 Tim 1:16-18, 2 Kings 2:2-4)
• Stick close to our friend even in times he faces opposition (2 Sam 15:19-22)
• Always strive to keep God in the middle of the friendship! (Pr 13:20, Eccl 4:9-12, Amos 3:3)
• The purpose of our love, loyalty and devotion to our friend should be the mutual goal of pointing each other to Christ.  We are loyal to our friend for their good; a good which results in greater relationship with the Lord.

Then Jonathan said to David, “Whatever you say, I will do for you.”

(1 Samuel 20:4 ESV)

The following excerpt is from an article on loyalty by CampusChristians.info:

Having examined some reasons why we should be loyal, the next question is, how can we acquire loyalty?

Loyalty is an act of the will, based on one’s special love for another person. First of all, I am not talking about the average friendship that most people experience. I am not talking about the love that we as Christians are commanded to have for one another. The kind of relationship that I am talking about is a special relationship. It is a deep relationship that is selective and cannot be experienced with every friend that you have. Obviously, there are levels of commitment in relationships. There are acquaintances, and friends, and good friends, and then there are loyal friends – the deep close relationship in which one soul is knit with another. Raymond C. Ortland speaks about this kind of relationship when he writes in his book, Lord, Make My Life A Miracle:

Let me share my heart with you about friendships that last forever. Not friendliness: everyone should be friendly to everyone else. But I’m talking about establishing selective, godly friendships.

I like the way that last sentence put it. “I am talking about establishing selective, godly friendships.” For this reason I say that this kind of loyalty is based on a speciallove. This is a loyalty that is selective and cannot nor should not be maintained with a large group of people at the same time. This kind of friendship is time-consuming and is something to be worked on, but is very rewarding at the same time. This is the kind of friendship that Jesus had with John, who is referred to as, “the one whom Jesus loved.” Jesus didn’t have this kind of relationship with all of His disciples – only John. Even Peter asked John if he knew who would betray Jesus.

This friendship is special and deep. The best way to explain what I mean when I say “special” can be stated in the word “attraction”. People are attracted to a certain type of person and not to another. Attraction is not used in the sexual sense but in a magnetic sense. I mean, in your life, there are people that you are more attracted to than others. Among Christian brothers and sisters there is one person that you would rather hang around with than with another. Not to say that you dislike the other people. It is just that for some reason God has given people chemistry in personalities, so that you as an individual are more attracted to some people than to others. This can be people of the same sex or of the opposite. Once again, this is not a sexual attraction. This is a personality/soul attraction.

Jesus had this kind of special attraction for John that He did not have with the other disciples. As Christians, we are commanded to love one another (this means everybody), but there are some people with whom God has given us a special liking – for lack of a better term. This is why David could write after the death of Jonathan, his beloved friend, “I am distressed, for you, my brother Jonathan; you have been very pleasant to me. Your love to me was more wonderful than the love of women.” Jonathan’s love relationship with David was not like the relationship that a man has with a woman. It was a deep soul-to-soul relationship that truly loyal friends have with one another, be it of the same sex or with the opposite.

The contrast between the two kinds of love in the verse is: the love that a man has with a woman, and the love that one has with a loyal friend. The love of a woman refers to a romantic love that men and women have based on physical attraction and may or may not include any kind of loyal commitment. The love that David had with Jonathan was a loyalty-based, commitment love that is always there when two souls are knit together as one, be it man with a man, man with a woman, or woman with a woman.

The ideal relationship is when God brings together two people that both have this special love with each other, this soulish attraction. When two people like this meet, the result is a life-long, loyal friendship that endures. It is possible to have a friendship where only one person is attracted to the other in the way that I have been talking. This leads to a one way friendship where one is giving the loyalty while the other receives. There are many people involved with this kind of a friendship, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. My prayer is that in our lives God would grant us godly, loyal friendships where the “special” love is found in both members of the friendship. I pray that God would grant us all life-lasting, loyal friendships.

Now, let us suppose that God has given you a friend that is very special and attracted to you in the way that I’ve just spoken about, a deep soul-to-soul attraction. Let us also say that you, too, have this attraction to that other person. Loyal friendship now has its beginnings. The next question is, “How can we express our loyalty?” I have a small list of ways that we can express our loyalty. This is not an exhaustive list, but I will share a few things that I think are important.

The first point is very important, and I think it is the foundation for a loyal commitment with another person. This first point is found in Proverbs 17:17, which says, “A friend loves at all times.” Love is the base on which our loyalty is built. We should love the other person unconditionally. No strings attached. Proverbs 10:12 says, “Love covers all transgressions.” No matter what the other person has done, no matter what the sin, love covers/forgives it. With all the other person’s quirks and shortcomings – a loyal friend still loves at all times. Here’s a good definition of love, “Love is patient, love is kind, and is not jealous, love does not brag, and it is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, it is not provoked, does not rejoice in unrighteousness; but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things, love never fails” – 1 Cor. 13:4-8. One aspect of love that is interesting is that love is not jealous.

Let us look at an example of this kind of love. It is a loyal love that seeks the other’s interest before self. In 1 Sam. 18:3, 4, we have David and Jonathan once again as our example. Jonathan is heir to the throne by birth – yet David is heir to the throne by appointment of God. Earlier, Jonathan had a great military conquest, as he and his armor bearer killed many Philistines, while David had his “ten-thousands.” The stage was set for a rivalry between David and Jonathan. A true fight for the throne was about to take place. The plot calls for jealousy. Yet, we see the reverse taking place. These two become the best of friends. Jealousy had no place in this love relationship. Not only that, but we see the two sacrificing for each other and giving to each other.

We read in 1 Sam. 18:3, 4, “Then Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself. And Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that was on him and gave it to David, with his armor, including his sword and his bow and his belt.” All of the things that Jonathan gave David were symbolic of his right to the throne. Jonathan gave David his robe, his royal robe. With this act, Jonathan passed his legal right as heir to the throne and recognized David as true heir chosen by God. This is sacrificial, giving, and a beautiful display of loyalty. There was no room for jealousy in this relationship. Love does not seek its own. Jonathan took of himself and gave to David. This is loyalty. This is not like saying, “Well I’ve got some food, let’s split it. I’ll take half and you take half.” Oh no! This love says, “I’ve got some food, here take and satisfy your hunger.” Unconditional love!

Is there someone in your life that you have this kind of love for? A close friend? Someone that you love just as much as yourself? Is there someone about whom you could say, “I care and love this person in spite of all of his faults. I want this other person built up, even if it means me going down.” Is there someone in your life that is so close to you that you can honestly say, “Everything I have is yours”? If so, express your love to that person. Next time you think about doing something for yourself, think about doing that thing for your friend. Let’s say one day you planned to go off and read a book, but your friend comes to you expressing the need to be with you. A loyal friend would realize that the time spent for self – reading a book – is sacrificed for the time spent with the friend.

Maybe there is some talent that you have that your friend does not have. Offer your talents to your friend. For example, maybe you are mechanically inclined and your friend isn’t. How about offering your services to fix that friend’s car? Maybe you can type well and your friend can’t, and has this ten page paper to type. How about typing it for him? What about the time that your friend has to cook or clean this week for some reason, but he’s preoccupied with a multitude of things to do. You, also, have a bunch of things to do. How about dropping your things and doing some of the things that your friend can’t do? This is an expression of your loyalty.

Another expression of sacrificial love is in the area of treasure. You see that your friend needs a bookcase and you have two. How about giving him a bookcase, or maybe even both? You have a car and your friend doesn’t; he needs a ride to a place fifty miles away because of some emergency. How about taking him? You notice that your friend is running financially low and can’t buy any new clothes, and the holes in his jeans are getting bigger. You too are poor also and are on a tight budget. Do you buy your friend some new clothes, trusting that God will provide for you just as you have provided for your friend’s need?

So loving your friend as yourself in the specific areas of time, talent, and treasure is an excellent way to express your loyalty. Loving in all areas is a great way to express your loyalty to another person.