Encouragement For Struggling Friends

In many ways, my first year of following Christ seemed (to me) to be marked by a lack of encouragement from other Christians around me.  Not that encouragement was non-existent; more-so just muted, conditional, or somewhat reserved.  I think several factors played into this, one of which was the unfamiliarity of many at my church with homosexuality and how it looks to transition from the "gay lifestyle" to that of committed follower of Jesus.  At times I felt that it was up to me to prove to my brothers and sisters in Christ that I was serious about my new life.  While never outright told this, I sensed they felt I had to first "fix" certain aspects of my character, attractions, and sexuality in order to prove myself worthy of their encouragement and praise.  This deficit of encouragement that I perceived often contributed to a lack of hope on my part and caused me to question whether any of this transformation was even possible.  Rather than being pursued by my bothers and sisters at the church, I felt that I was always in a struggle to stay connected to the Body.  I often wanted to leave the church and find one where I would be embraced on terms equal to the embrace of sinners who struggled in more "comfortable" ways.  It was often a struggle to stay a part of this community of believers.  It was as if I had to constantly remind them "Hey, there is hope for me too! I am not beyond God's power to save and heal!".  Being a new believer, I was perplexed by this as I thought that these statements were ones they should have been loudly proclaiming to me, not the other way around!


Now, 2+ years into this journey, and at the same church, God has provided me with a group of brothers who are supportive and accepting of where I have come from, where I am at now, and where I am headed.  This acceptance serves to encourage me and keep my hope in Christ.  Through their embrace of me as a brother and fellow child of God I am strengthened and encouraged that God will continue His work in me until it is completed (Phil 1:6).  That even though I continue to struggle in ways with same sex attraction, "homosexual" is a label that applied to me in the past, but no longer does.

I think that the experience I described above has created in me a great desire to be encouraging to others.  To do whatever I can to give hope to those who are struggling to find it.  That by witnessing God's ongoing work in me, they too should believe that He can meet any person - in whatever condition He finds them - and begin or continue the transformation to Christ-likeness that His children are promised.  In the below passage, Paul describes himself as the "worst sinner", and even as such, not out of the reach of God's power to transform:

I thank him who has given me strength, Christ Jesus our Lord, because he judged me faithful, appointing me to his service, though formerly I was a blasphemer, persecutor, and insolent opponent. But I received mercy because I had acted ignorantly in unbelief, and the grace of our Lord overflowed for me with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus. The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost. But I received mercy for this reason, that in me, as the foremost, Jesus Christ might display his perfect patience as an example to those who were to believe in him for eternal life. To the King of the ages, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen. (1 Timothy 1:12-17 ESV)

The encouragement that I seek to give others is not one that says "you are doing fine", or "you are good enough", but it is one that acknowledges in an honest way that this is where they are at, but it is not where God will keep them.  It is encouragement that praises even small changes.  God lays out no concrete timeline for His transformation of people...only that they WILL be transformed.  Encouragement through pointing out and praising even small changes can show a struggling person that God's transforming power is working in their life; that they are in fact making different choices now, that their thought process is changing, and that certain fruits of the Spirit (Gal 5:22-23) are more evident in their lives.  Sometimes the person going through this transformation is not able to immediately see the change that God is producing in their own life, so a friend pointing this out to them can be a powerful source of encouragement and hope!

I think that particularly when it comes to people who have struggled in a specific area for extended periods of time, those who are closest to them can often become frustrated with the slowness of change.  As time goes on, they question whether change is occurring at all, and sometimes unintentionally lead the person who is struggling to believe that they have no confidence in God's ability or desire to bring healing and change to them.  In some cases, by their exhibition of hopelessness and mistrust toward the struggler, they are, in fact further damaging him/her.  Hopelessness can be contagious!  Behavior that exhibits a lack of hope is unfortunate in that it runs contrary to God's word.  In Luke's Gospel, Jesus tells us that God can and will draw to Himself anyone He chooses:

Those who heard it said, “Then who can be saved?” But he said, “What is impossible with man is possible with God.” (Luke 18:26-27 ESV)

And furthermore, He says that once this change has begun, it will continue through to completion:

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. (Philippians 1:6 ESV)

We should always approach our brothers and sisters with the expectation that God will transform them.  It is not always for us to know why God allows certain struggles and trials in the lives of our loved ones, but He does tell us that we are to be patient (long-suffering) in our love toward them.  In 1 Corinthians 13:4-5, God says the love we aspire to does not respond to bad behavior by getting even or by being rude or resentful.  Rather, through passivity we are patient, and in action we return kindness.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; (1 Corinthians 13:4-5 ESV)

This posture of returning kindness even in the face of being slighted or wronged by a friend, or disappointed in them, reassures them that even if no one else does, through our continued hope in God to heal, we still believe in them.  It send the message that although disappointed, you still believe that God is at work in them and that even if slowly, the change that God is producing in them is real.  Your friend can perceive the belief and hope you have in them (through God's work) and this may lead them to renew their own hope and belief that they aren't beyond God's saving and transforming power - regardless of the depth of their trials.

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. (1 Corinthians 13:7 ESV)

I've found that in most cases, it is not all that difficult to act in encouraging ways to others.  The most difficult aspect for me is just keeping alert for the opportunities to provide it.  I miss many chances to encourage my brothers toward closer relationship with Christ.  Simply paying someone a compliment, thanking them for their role in your life, sending a quick note or passage of scripture, praying with them, and being understanding in times of struggle go a long way toward giving others hope through encouragement.

On the other hand, toward some, particularly those close to us, it seems consistent encouragement can take huge amounts of energy, patience, forgiveness, selflessness and love.  It may mean making yourself vulnerable to being hurt or disappointed.  But carried out in a Godly way, how powerful a means to bring that friend or family member to closer relationship with Jesus it is to consistently provide truth, compassion, hope and brotherly love to someone that feels like they are all alone in their battle!  Through denying ourselves (Matt 16:24) we can learn to seek good for those around us (Phil 2:3-4) and in humility and hope, we are long-suffering with them, remembering our own past sinful depths and struggles.

How wonderful a joy it will be when we see our beloved brother flourishing in close relationship with Christ, having put the intense struggles behind him, and moving forward by God's grace to make the unique and powerful impact that Christ has laid out for him!

And don't discount the chance that someday this brother you encouraged through his battle will someday be the brother who goes to battle with you should you face your own severe trials.

“This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends."  (John 15:12-13 ESV)