Friendship: Part 2 - Discernment in Choosing Friends

I have not always had the ability to be discerning when it comes to choosing those friends that I seek closeness with.  Often, the qualities I looked for in a friend had nothing to do with Godly pursuits or a mutual betterment of each other.  This is nothing shocking as their was no reason for me to have sought out such qualities before coming to faith.  However, now that I am seeking to walk in obedience to God, it is critical that I surround myself with others who have the same goal.  This is not to say that I shouldn't go out among unbelievers and seek to impact them for Christ; just that my innermost core group of friends with whom I commit to give and receive love, truth, comfort, encouragement and hope, must be seeking the same goal as I - continued sanctification in Christ.

What this means to me is not that these friends I seek be without sin (as if that is possible) or that they will fill every expectation that I am looking for in a friend, but rather that they share a commitment to follow Christ and look at friendship with me as a means to build each other up in our faith and hope in Him.  Essentially, that through good stretches and bad, we are committed to applying Biblical principles to the relationship including: selfless love, honesty, forgiveness, mercy, kindness, exhortation, rebuke, encouragement, compassion, comfort, truth, and patience.  It is not an expectation of continuous perfect behavior, but just that the friendship is generally oriented toward growth and transformation in Christ - with a realization that neither of us has yet attained perfection in Him, and because of this reality, some poor choices may be made from time to time despite the presence of love - but the relationship shouldn't be dominated by bad choices.  As love grows within the friendship, so should each of our love for Christ be growing as well.


It is also the expectation that if the friendship is no longer pointing either person toward what is Holy, that I must chose God over the friendship (Mt 6: 19-21, Mt 6:24, Mt 16:33, Lk 14:26, Ps 46:10, etc..) ...and just for clarification I am not at all suggesting we "dump" a friend who is going through a trial or period of struggle.  In that event, boundaries may need to be put in place and the nature of the friendship may necessarily change somewhat, but I think a Christ loving friend should be very slow to terminate a relationship with a brother, except under the most extreme circumstances.  So long as we can maintain our trust in God, then the principles in 1 Cor 13 should continue to apply to the relationship.  Perhaps even more than ever, it is in the difficult times that our love for God and for our brother may be most crucial.  And more so than ever, it is these principles that must rise to the surface:

"Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things" (1 Cor 13:7)...we apply these truths to our friend not for our own sake, but for the sake of the beloved friend who has lost his way.  Whether through addictions, trial, or intense struggle with sin, that friend who can no longer be there for you in a way that points you to God needs your love and hope the most at this time.  Although agonizing to watch a person you care about go through this difficult period, continually seeking to love him, never losing hope for change in him, and believing in God to orchestrate that change in him; all while striving to be selfless by temporarily denying your desire to be loved in return, can be a great blessing to that friend.  Although a far cry from reaching the levels of love and patience God has with us, this active love toward the friend, despite his inability to return the love, can in some measure be demonstrative to them of the love God has for him.  By your willingness to deny the things you seek from your friend, you are demonstrating in a very real way death to self (Jn 3:5-7, Jn 12:24, Gal 2:20, Gal 5:24, Gal 6:14) and, at least for a time, in Godly love you have laid down your life for the sake of your friend (Jn 15:13).  This selfless love and self-denial is personified in the life of Jonathan in his self-denial of the throne of Israel, his support of David as God's choice to take over the throne from his father Saul, in the process putting his own life at risk for David (1 Sam 23:17, 1 Sam 20:30-33).

"Jonathan lies slain on your high places.
I am distressed for you, my brother Jonathan;
very pleasant have you been to me;
your love to me was extraordinary,
surpassing the love of women."  (2 Samuel 1:26 ESV)

I pray that God grants me the wisdom and desire to move forward with discernment in choosing the people I pursue friendship with, as well as those I choose to continue with in friendship.  This discernment is necessary in evaluating potential and current friendships with professing believers and non-believers alike.  While their may be a place for unbelievers in my life as friends, I think it is important to put certain limits on those friendships.  It wouldn't be healthy to seek any level of deep emotional intimacy with them...an intimacy which would likely result in seeking comfort and guidance from them in times of distress.  While on the surface, non-believing friends can seemingly give good advice, we must always keep in mind that their advice does not serve to build us up in the love and truth of God.  It can only comfort and encourage by worldly standards and invariably, despite potentially "good" intentions, will likely lead us further from knowing God and not closer to intimacy with Christ.

Additionally, it is probably necessary to evaluate what amount of trust, intimacy and vulnerability is appropriate even with believers.  Their are certainly people professing to follow Christ who's motives for relationship with you may be suspect (Mt 7:15-20), or who's actions bear little resemblance to Biblical love and kindness (1 Jn 3:15, Prov 17:17, 1 Jn 4:20, Ps 133:1-3).

Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil...Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. (Ephesians 4:25-27,29-32 ESV)

Behold, how good and pleasant it is
when brothers dwell in unity!
It is like the precious oil on the head,
running down on the beard,
on the beard of Aaron,
running down on the collar of his robes!
It is like the dew of Hermon,
which falls on the mountains of Zion!
For there the LORD has commanded the blessing,
life forevermore. (Psalm 133 ESV)