Love

All of my life I remember periods of falling in and out of "love" with other guys.  I thought highly of myself for these feelings of love I had for others; that I was somehow superior in my caring for others due to this "love".  What I wasn't so conscious of at the time, though, was just how self-seeking my love was. Sure, I was a nice guy in many respects.  A certain aspect of my love was geared toward helping the person I was loving.  However, I have more recently come to see that the ugly side of this love was a desire to get something from the other person.  I had that powerful "feeling" of loving someone, but unfortunately this "love" was not what is spoken of in the Bible in the following text:

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.

So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.            (1 Corinthians 13 ESV)

What I in fact had mastered was "worldly love".  It was love that had a definite aspect of
giving to it, but also an ugly side that placed a high importance on what I was getting out of it.  It was conditional love.  It was love that ultimately sought it's own.  It was impatient and certainly not always kind.  This love weighed the faults and actions of others to determine just what it would bear.  Would my love accomplish my ultimate goal with this person I was loving?  If not, the love faded - or sometimes even turned to hate and anger.  If the goal seemed still attainable then the love would bear the burdens placed on it for a little longer.

The love I focused on in the former paragraph was one that was often closely tied to my same sex attractions.  This love lied, manipulated and deceived the object of my affection into lowering his defenses.  It was a love that sought comfort through sex as repayment for my good deeds and loving actions.  It was a love that always saw the end game as being conquest through sex.  And when the goal was attained, the "love" often revealed itself to be little more than lust or excitement which came from pursuing the challenge.

I will save it for a future blog post to expand on maybe, but their is a close tie (for me) between the sex I had sought after from certain men and my feelings of inadequacy, loneliness, and lack of value.  Somehow getting to know a man I was attracted to in a sexual way became a means for me to feel closeness; thereby temporarily alleviating my feelings of aloneness, inadequacy and lack of value.  I'm not quite sure how sex became my means of seeking closeness to other men, but it is an undeniable part of my experience with homosexuality.  I would venture to say that some aspects of this are applicable to heterosexuals as well, especially those struggling with pornography, adultery, or other sexual sins.  Perhaps a good number of us who struggle with these various sexual sins have a void in our heart that we are seeking to fill with worldly passions rather than with the endless love and truth of God.  When we make idols of other humans and give them the primary position in our heart, why would we expect to find Jesus there as well?  We close the door to the only source of true love and fill it with our idols, other people.  These idols will always disappoint and can never satisfy eternally.

I haven't thoroughly reflected on these things in a while now as it seems like God has placed new challenges in front of me lately; but even in these new challenges I can see how significant it is for me to learn to love in the way that the Bible teaches me.  Godly love.  Christlike love.  Studying 1 Corinthians 13 has affected me profoundly by giving me the right understanding of what it means to truly love another person.  It has been so important to me in this battle with homosexual desires to constantly check my behavior with men against what St. Paul tells us true, real love looks like.  It has been so powerful to get to practice this patient and selfless love over these past few months.  To love a man as my brother - with a love that seeks not to draw the man closer to me, but rather to draw the man closer to Christ.  It is the realization that yes, I can love my brother in powerful and influential ways through comforting, encouragement, exhortation, prayer, steadiness, dependability, and forgiveness.  But if any of these acts are done for reasons other than drawing the "loved" into a deeper relationship with Christ, than I really have done nothing at all to love my brother.

I'll wrap up here with a prayer I wrote not too long ago.  It is very meaningful to me in that I feel like the Lord has been entrusting me to be a source of strength to a couple of my brothers who are going through some difficult struggles.  I am painfully aware that perhaps even six months ago I would not have been able to fully represent God's love to them without my own interests playing a significant role.  Although I know I still fall pathetically and embarrassingly short of God's perfect love, I've been receiving powerful amounts of joy from Him through this new gift He has given me of being able to love my brother so deeply while primarily seeking his best and not mine.

Lord, help me to be always growing in love toward my brothers and steadfastly seeking to impact them for You.  Remind me that my mission is not to save them, heal them, or relieve them of all their struggles; rather my mission is to serve them in love by placing their interests above mine.  To bear their burdens, to comfort and encourage them, to give them hope, to build them up in the knowledge of Your truth, and to guide them toward an ever deepening and surrendered relationship with You - the all powerful source of salvation, healing, transformation, peace and joy.  Lord, fill me with love that always forgives.  Let Your Spirit produce humility in me so that I will always pursue reconciliation with my brother, no matter what the offense.  Keep me filled with Your love so that I am ever mindful of my weaker and struggling brothers who may need me at their side, for a season or for a lifetime.  Let me be the strongest brother to them.  Lord, remind me that Your love always gives - it keeps no record of what it receives, and it is that kind of love that I am to aspire to as well.  Let me always be trusting in You and in Your perfect timing.  Thank You for the ultimate show of Your love toward me; the sacrifice of Your Son Jesus, and it is in His name that I pray to You.  Amen.