Men's Group

I have been fortunate to be a part of a men's discipleship group for the past several months.  The group also has a component of it which focuses more on accountability, and I will likely write about that aspect of this in the near future.  This larger discipleship group currently is comprised of 10 men.  We meet every Saturday and it is organized through the church I attend.  We have been working through the Men With No Regrets workbook series.  I was very reluctant to participate in this group, however I was encouraged to make the commitment to it by my pastor, who was organizing the group, and by a good friend who would also be participating.

Looking back, I think my reluctance to jump into this group was brought on by a couple of factors.  One of them was certainly my past experiences when in groups of heterosexual men (church or otherwise); be it a group of 3 or 50.  When I find myself in some type of group or gathering of men, I have a tendency to focus on the ways that I am different from them rather than seeing all of the ways that we are similar.  This usually leaves me with a sense of feeling that I don't really fit in or belong with them.  In all honesty, I don't really have an interest in many of the things that these guys tend to talk about.  I like sports, especially football, but I don't feel the need to be up on every aspect of it or to know every stat.  I enjoy participating in sports such as football, softball, etc., but I'm really not all that good so I tend to shy away from them.  I like family and kids, however not having a spouse or children, I feel like their is only so much that I can add to conversations of this type.  In addition, I just get a sense of not being considered "one of the guys" on some level.

Friendship: Part 4 - Loyalty

A man of many companions may come to ruin,

but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.

(Proverbs 18:24 ESV)

A friend is a trusted confidante to whom I am mutually drawn as a companion and ally, whose love for me is not dependent on my performance, and whose influence draws me closer to God.

Loyal:  Merriam Webster Dictionary

1)  : unswerving in allegiance: as
        a : faithful in allegiance to one's lawful sovereign or government
        b : faithful or devoted to a private person to whom fidelity is due
        c : faithful to a cause, ideal, custom, institution, or product

Synonyms: constant, dedicated, devoted, devout, down-the-line, fast, good, faithful, pious, staunch, steadfast, steady, true, true-blue

What is a loyal Christian friend?  What does loyalty look like in the relationship between two Christians?  The story of David and Jonathan provides an example of a commitment between friends which exhibits loyalty, and its components of faithfulness, allegiance, and devotion.  First, we see the two bound together in 1 Samuel 18:

...the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul.

(1 Samuel 18:1 ESV)

And further, in 1 Samuel 18:3, we see that Jonathan makes a covenant with David:

Then Jonathan made a covenant with David, because he loved him as his own soul.

(1 Samuel 18:3 ESV)

And then we see Jonathan's loyalty to David expressed through his dedication, devotion, and faithfulness by offering him his future place as King.  He sacrificed his own personal gain and in devotion to David, equipped him for the battles that would lead to David taking the thrown after Saul's death:

And Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that was on him and gave it to David, and his armor, and even his sword and his bow and his belt.

(1 Samuel 18:4 ESV)

An essential part of loyalty between Christian friends is the presence of the Lord between them.  Our loyalty to friends, or anyone else, should never compromise our loyalty to God.  In any close friendship between two people, it should always be remembered that in fact, this third element, God, is always present.  Jonathan realized this in declaring to David:

Fight the Good Fight

"Fight the good fight of faith; take hold of the eternal life to which you were called..."

(1 Timothy 6:12 NASB)

A hard lesson learned over this past few weeks:

• Faith is something we must constantly fight for
• It is a good fight

After a period of several months of very real transformation, I let down my guard.  In a sense, I became comfortable with where I was at and even overly confident in ways.  Things seemed to be going real well.  I felt that I was growing in my love of God, as well as my love of other people.  I spent time in the Word, in prayer, and in service to others.  But something was lacking.  I certainly wasn't as thankful as I should have been for the great things that God was doing in my life.  Pride crept in and rather than giving all of the glory to God, I think in some ways I was reserving some for myself.  I felt that I had things under control.

"Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like 

a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour."

(1 Peter 5:8 NASB)

Sin can creep in unnoticed.  It can spread like an infection.  In my complacency and attitude of having everything under control, I was not as quick to address things occurring in my thought life as I should have been.  After all, I had everything under control.

Who Will You Follow?: Matthew 6:19-24

19 “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20 But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves do not break in or steal; 21 for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

22 “The eye is the lamp of the body; so then if your eye is clear, your whole body will be full of light. 23 But if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light that is in you is darkness, how great is the darkness!"

24 “No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and wealth."

(Matthew 6:19-24 NASB)

Who will you serve today?  Jesus teaches us that the things of this world are not lasting.  When we put our efforts, desires, and energies into securing the pleasures that satisfy the flesh, our only treasures will be ones made of that which is perishable.

The choices I have made in my life have always tended to be those that sought after meeting immediate "needs" or satisfying my desires for pleasure.  The Lord tells us that the treasure we seek through gratifying the flesh and seeking after that which is not Godly has no lasting value.  They are not eternal treasures, and the choices we make to pursue them are, in fact, choices which deny God's position as 1st in our lives.  Both in the preceding verses and throughout the Bible, Jesus teaches us that this brief time we have here on earth is for the purpose of serving God and doing for others in His name.  We truly have a choice to make: do we serve God or do our actions show our hatred for Him and His ways?

The Lord tells us that we must make a choice.  To serve Him or to serve the things of the world.  We cannot do both.

In what ways are you denying the truth of Jesus' teaching that the only treasure which has real value is the treasure which we store up for ourselves in Heaven?  This is the treasure which is promised to us when we live a life characterized by honoring and obeying God alone.  Are your eyes locked on the truths of God or is your vision corrupted by the pursuit of those things that are valued by the world?  God says that if our eye is bad than our bodies are filled with darkness.  What longings of the heart and behaviors of the flesh cause your vision to be blinded to the Truth?

Father, keep us ever mindful of the fleeting pleasures of this world and how they cannot compare to a life spent serving and honoring to you.  Let us seek to put our treasures in Your hands, stored safely in the Eternal Place that You have promised as the final destination to those who believe in You; Heaven.

Love & Partiality

Over the past couple of years, I have spent a great deal of time working out what it means to love others as a follower of Christ.  It has benefited me greatly in so many areas to understand this real love; the love that Jesus demonstrated and spoke of.  As someone who was most frequently led by my emotional, gut feelings of love, this understanding has helped me tremendously.  It has given me a standard which I can use to compare what I felt was loving to what God says really is loving.  I have often found that my motives were less then selfless, kind, or from a place of being long-suffering.

As I have been seeking this understanding of love, it has bothered me that I have had a greater love toward some people, and conversely, a lesser love toward others.  I've felt pressured to decrease my love for some, while building it up for others for whom it came less naturally to me.  I thought that loving everyone equally was the Christian ideal that I should live up to; and perhaps it is, but it is not necessarily the place from which I can start my journey.  I have been rethinking things lately, not in a way that I shouldn't strive to be loving toward all people, but just in the sense that it isn't necessarily un-Christian or sinful to love some people more than you love others.  I think the greatest example of favoritism or partiality in love would include the love of Jesus for the Apostle John, as discussed below.

I guess I am at a place now where I feel some freedom to pursue loving those whom God puts before me and not getting so wrapped up in defining every thought, labeling and comparing every relationship, and analyzing every word and action.  Essentially, just because someone is "easy" or comfortable for me to love, doesn't mean that the love is a bad thing or something to be avoided or downplayed in favor of seeking to increasingly love the less "desirable".  While I will continue to strive toward greater love for all of my brothers and sisters, perhaps right at this moment in time, it is the people that God has put before me as friends with whom I can best put into practice and learn from about Christian love; both what it is and what it isn't.

I came across this sermon from John Henry Newman (1801-1890).  I think it is worth a read:

Dissatisfaction With Friendships

For the majority of my life, I have had a general sense of dissatisfaction with my friendships.  I am speaking more to close friendships, not the every day type of friendship that wouldn't fall under the category of good or close friend.  I don't, nor have I ever felt like my friends, the close ones, are able to truly relate to me or understand me; my loves, my fears, my motivations, etc.  Often I feel disappointed in them, in so much as it really doesn't even seem like they want to understand me - or if they do seek to understand me, it is only with the intent of proving there fears about me right or wrong, or to use the knowledge to manipulate me.  Sure, most ask questions of me at times to perhaps gain some insight, but it generally seems to be a curiosity prefaced by their thought that I am somehow not normal in my thoughts and emotions.  Certainly I have my areas of "unusualness", but this difference they experience between me and themselves does not necessarily indicate that my thoughts and emotions are somehow wrong.

I think in many ways, when I initially started attending my church in January 2010, the men there who knew of my past were very reluctant to be open to friendship with me.  I certainly felt, and still feel, that I have to prove myself to them in some way.  This is not at all the case with all men, but it is a reality with many of them.  It is somewhat in line with the prevalent feeling of many homosexuals seeking Christ in the church in that it sometimes seems like Christians expect you to fix this sin of homosexuality before  the church will embrace you - rather than the church embracing the homosexual and walking alongside him while God transforms him and "fixes" the problem.

Barnabas, Paul & John Mark

"Barnabas, Son of Encouragement and Comfort"

"When he came to Jerusalem, [Paul] was trying to associate with the disciples; but they were all afraid of him, not believing that he was a disciple.  But Barnabas took hold of him and brought him to the apostles and described to them how he had seen the Lord on the road, and that He had talked to him, and how at Damascus he had spoken out boldly in the name of Jesus."

(Acts 9:26-27 NASB)

Barnabas, whose birth name was Joses (Joseph) first appears in the New Testament in Acts 4:36.  After selling all he owned and giving the proceeds to the Apostles, they gave him a new name: Barnabas, meaning "son of encouragement" or "son of consolation" (comfort).  From this initial mention in Scripture, the word encouragement would be forever associated with Barnabas.

In Acts 9:26-28, we see Paul attempting to join with the Apostles in Jerusalem shortly after his conversion.  Well known to the Apostles, Paul (Saul) had spent years being "the persecutor of the Church" (Acts 9:1).  They were understandably skeptical of believing in Paul's conversion and instead chose to reject him out of fear.  But Barnabas reacted differently.  Rather than rejecting Paul as the Apostles had just done, Barnabas actually takes him back before the Apostles and declares his conviction that Paul is a true believer in Christ.  He vouches for Paul at great risk to his own reputation.  Upon being confronted by Barnabas, we see in the very next verse that they immediately accept him because of Barnabas' convictions as to the truth of Paul's faith.

Friendship: Part 3 - What is it?

“Jonathan lies slain on your high places.

I am distressed for you, my brother Jonathan;

very pleasant have you been to me;

your love to me was extraordinary,

surpassing the love of women."

(2 Samuel 1:26 ESV) 

According to the American Sociological Association, "Americans’ circle of close confidants has shrunk dramatically in the past two decades and the number of people who say they have no one with whom to discuss important matters has more than doubled, according to a study by sociologists at Duke University and the University of Arizona."

• The percentage of Americans who had at least one confidant not connected to them through kinship dropped from 80% to 57%.
• A 2004 study showed that 25% of Americans have no one to confide in with matters important to them, more than double the number from 1985.
• Americans' dependence for close contact on a partner or spouse went up from 5% to 9%.
• Research has found a link between fewer friendships (especially in quality) and psychological regression.

As iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend.

(Proverbs 27:17 NKJV)

In his book "The Four Loves", C.S. Lewis writes...

Very few modern people think Friendship a love of comparable value or even a love at all.  I cannot remember that any poem since In Memoriam, or any novel, has celebrated it.  Tristan and Isolde, Antony and Cleopatra, Romeo and Juliet, have innumerable counterparts in modern literature: David and Jonathan, Pylades and Orestes, Roland and Oliver, Amis and Amile, have not.  To the Ancients, Friendship seemed the happiest and most fully human of all loves; the crown of life and the school of virtue.  The modern world, in comparison, ignores it.  We admit of course that besides a wife and family a man needs a few "friends."  But the very tone of the admission, and the sort of acquaintanceships which those who make it would describe as "friendships," show clearly that what they are talking about has very little to do with that Philia which Aristotle classified among the virtues or that Amicitia on which Cicero wrote a book.  It is something quite marginal; not a main course in life's banquet; a diversion; something that fills up the chinks of one's time.  How has this come about?  The first and most obvious answer is that few value it because few experience it.

The Oxford dictionary defines a friend as follows:

Fruit of the Spirit: Love

I'm hoping to gain a greater understanding and awareness of the fruit of the Spirit.  I thought I would start with the first one from this list, love.  I suppose volumes could be written on what love is and what it isn't, but I thought I would cover it today by taking a quick spin through (yes, again!) 1 Corinthians 12 & 13.  But first, here is Paul writing about the works of the flesh and then the fruit of the Spirit:

But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.

If we live by the Spirit, let us also keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another. (Galatians 5:16-26)

In the accountability group I am a part of one of the questions I chose a while back to have asked of me is as follows (I came across it somewhere online and "borrowed" it):

Friendship: Part 2 - Discernment in Choosing Friends

I have not always had the ability to be discerning when it comes to choosing those friends that I seek closeness with.  Often, the qualities I looked for in a friend had nothing to do with Godly pursuits or a mutual betterment of each other.  This is nothing shocking as their was no reason for me to have sought out such qualities before coming to faith.  However, now that I am seeking to walk in obedience to God, it is critical that I surround myself with others who have the same goal.  This is not to say that I shouldn't go out among unbelievers and seek to impact them for Christ; just that my innermost core group of friends with whom I commit to give and receive love, truth, comfort, encouragement and hope, must be seeking the same goal as I - continued sanctification in Christ.

What this means to me is not that these friends I seek be without sin (as if that is possible) or that they will fill every expectation that I am looking for in a friend, but rather that they share a commitment to follow Christ and look at friendship with me as a means to build each other up in our faith and hope in Him.  Essentially, that through good stretches and bad, we are committed to applying Biblical principles to the relationship including: selfless love, honesty, forgiveness, mercy, kindness, exhortation, rebuke, encouragement, compassion, comfort, truth, and patience.  It is not an expectation of continuous perfect behavior, but just that the friendship is generally oriented toward growth and transformation in Christ - with a realization that neither of us has yet attained perfection in Him, and because of this reality, some poor choices may be made from time to time despite the presence of love - but the relationship shouldn't be dominated by bad choices.  As love grows within the friendship, so should each of our love for Christ be growing as well.

Friendship: Part 1

Greater love has no one than this, that
one lay down his life for his friends.

Looking back on the friendships of my past, they were often marked by great happiness and conversely, great sadness and pain; sometimes in rapid succession.  The happiness was in spending time with a friend who's mere presence can brighten my mood and give me a sense of being loved and accepted.  Sadness and pain upon the realization that the label "close friend" or "good friend" seems to have a totally different meaning to me than it does for so many others.

"Love does not give up on people when they are struggling. It does not give in to despair in the face of extreme difficulty. It does not declare that someone’s heart can never change or that a broken community can never be healed. Love hopes all things. Understand that whenever we give up hope, this is really a failure to love, because love hopes."

I suppose it would help if I clarified my ideas of what types of friendships I have experienced.  First, "friend" is not a label that I throw around loosely.   I try to be realistic in identifying the type of relationships I have with people.  For the most part, I don't consider co-workers to be friends.  With few exceptions, I always look at them as acquaintances.  I would also apply the acquaintance label to most people I socialized with at certain places such as bars.  These were people with whom my contact was limited to certain times or places.  If I removed myself from those places, whether it be the bar, work, or even church, I would not necessarily maintain contact with them or continue on in any type of relationship.  They are all relationships that are conditional on some factor other than a mutual, voluntary choice to have someone be a part of your life.

Encouragement For Struggling Friends

In many ways, my first year of following Christ seemed (to me) to be marked by a lack of encouragement from other Christians around me.  Not that encouragement was non-existent; more-so just muted, conditional, or somewhat reserved.  I think several factors played into this, one of which was the unfamiliarity of many at my church with homosexuality and how it looks to transition from the "gay lifestyle" to that of committed follower of Jesus.  At times I felt that it was up to me to prove to my brothers and sisters in Christ that I was serious about my new life.  While never outright told this, I sensed they felt I had to first "fix" certain aspects of my character, attractions, and sexuality in order to prove myself worthy of their encouragement and praise.  This deficit of encouragement that I perceived often contributed to a lack of hope on my part and caused me to question whether any of this transformation was even possible.  Rather than being pursued by my bothers and sisters at the church, I felt that I was always in a struggle to stay connected to the Body.  I often wanted to leave the church and find one where I would be embraced on terms equal to the embrace of sinners who struggled in more "comfortable" ways.  It was often a struggle to stay a part of this community of believers.  It was as if I had to constantly remind them "Hey, there is hope for me too! I am not beyond God's power to save and heal!".  Being a new believer, I was perplexed by this as I thought that these statements were ones they should have been loudly proclaiming to me, not the other way around!

Hope and Singleness

A friend recently asked me the question "What gives you hope?". It came up during a discussion about my outlook on marriage. I expressed that I don't have a pull to get married, and in fact I don't suspect that it is God's will for me to do so in the foreseeable future, and likely ever. It struck me that what my friend was really expressing through this question was his view that without a spouse I was facing a future of uncertainty, loneliness and incompleteness; that I was somehow falling short of God's plan for His children.

It has been my observation that the church in general does a rather poor job of expressing God's gift of singleness to people.  Christians often make assumptions that singleness is a temporary condition.  Temporary in that, under "normal" circumstances, it is only to be experienced while one seeks out that significant person to join with in marriage.  This attitude implies that marriage is the highest of callings and leaves singleness as some sort of inferior state of existence.  I also see the idea expressed, often subtly, that upon reaching a certain age, one who is still single must be in that situation because they are somehow damaged, are sinful, or otherwise "broken".  Even those well intentioned phrases of referring to one's spouse as "my other half", or the statement that the marriage partner "completes me" further perpetuates this myth of single people being somehow only half a person or incomplete.

Love

All of my life I remember periods of falling in and out of "love" with other guys.  I thought highly of myself for these feelings of love I had for others; that I was somehow superior in my caring for others due to this "love".  What I wasn't so conscious of at the time, though, was just how self-seeking my love was. Sure, I was a nice guy in many respects.  A certain aspect of my love was geared toward helping the person I was loving.  However, I have more recently come to see that the ugly side of this love was a desire to get something from the other person.  I had that powerful "feeling" of loving someone, but unfortunately this "love" was not what is spoken of in the Bible in the following text:

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Patient With God?

I am often reminded that I have to be patient in waiting on God.  That is certainly true and is repeated throughout the Bible (Ps 37:7, Rom 8:25, Jas 5:7-8, Gal 5:22).  And not only are we to wait patiently, but we are told to wait quietly (Jas 5:9, Jas 5:12, Lam 3:26).  No grumbling, no swearing, and no complaining.

I have never been one who has been good at waiting patiently - for anything.  Like much of today's society, my life has been marked by getting whatever it is I want at exactly that time which I want it.  I can't tell you how many times, even in my new life as a follower of Christ, impatience has gotten the better of me - and in many ways continues to.  I prove my impatience by occasional sadness or anger over my current situation.  Also though focusing on my desire to do the "big things" for God's Kingdom while passing up on doing the "little things" which God puts in my path to provide me with needed spiritual training.

How much more I could have done for God and His people had I simply opened my eyes to opportunities to serve Him during my periods of waiting.  How many hurting people could I have comforted? How many people searching to feel loved could I have displayed God's love to?  How many lost souls could God have impacted through me if only I was more patient, less complaining, and more focused on His will rather than mine.  Impatience with where God has me at this moment is surely a sign of pride, lack of trust, and a desire that my will be done rather than His.  Not getting exactly what we want at this very moment is surely not a legitimate excuse for inaction.

I have to continually remind myself that truly trusting the Lord through faith means having a certain contentment with where He has me right now.  This contentment does not mean a complacency about the areas where I need spiritual growth...but it is a realization that I am where God has me, that I can impact others for Him right where I am, and this period of waiting may very well be God telling me that I am just not ready for that next step yet.  That He has more work that He needs to complete in me before I am ready for whatever it is I am waiting for...

Whether we find ourselves impatient in our desire for a better marriage, greater opportunities to serve the Lord in the area where we feel called, for better health or whatever the case may be, God may simply be telling us to open our eyes, look around and serve Him right where we are at.  Only then may we find our relationships restored, opportunities to pursue our calling presented to us or our prayers answered in all of those areas we desire change.

Finally, part of patiently waiting is believing that God can accomplish all things (Mt 19:26), expectantly hoping that He will answer answer our prayers (2 Cor 4:16-18; Rom 10:12), and trusting that He will give us whatever strength we need (Is 40:28-31).  In whatever circumstances you find yourself waiting, do it with confidence that God loves you and promises to meet your needs (Phil 4:19), to not allow you to be overtaken by temptation (1 Cor 10:13), to work all things for the good of those who love Him (Rom 8:28), and that we will have eternal life with Him through His Son Jesus (Jn 10:27-28; 1 Cor 6:14).

Your hope as a believer is in the Lord. He causes all things in your life (including problems and trials) to work together for good as you continually respond in love (demonstrated through obedience) to Him. Out of the hope that God provides, your faith and love can be biblically expressed in any situation. Understanding and responding biblically to problems glorifies God while He further conforms you to the image of Jesus Christ.

The hope that God has provided for you is not merely a wish. Neither is it dependent on other people, possessions, or circumstances for its validity. Instead, biblical hope is an application of your faith that supplies a confident expectation in God’s fulfillment of His promises. Coupled with faith and love, hope is part of the abiding characteristics in a believer’s life.

-Biblical Counseling Foundation

Un-Biblical Labels

I'm thinking about a workshop at a conference I recently attended.  It dealt with the labels and images we have of ourselves.  Some of these labels we create for ourselves, and other labels we internalize from the thoughtless words directed at us from friends, family, coworkers, others, or just the world in general.  Some of the labels that have stuck to me in the past and became a part of how I identified myself include: ugly, lazy, weird, gay, fag, homo, pervert, failure, unlovable, unworthy, and un-redeemable.  What labels have you attached to yourself that are inconsistent with what Christ tells us we are?  The beauty and truth of our status as Christians means that all of those labels are nothing more than a lie of the devil; a method he uses to gain access to us by causing cracks in our faith.  Do you believe that he can gain a foothold in our lives by using the world around us to cause doubt about what Christ says we are?  A goal of the devil is to separate us from Christ by lying to us about our true identity and giving us a false sense of ourselves.  Let me urge you to study the things that God says of us.  Once we put our trust in Him, He is the only one that can label us.  We are sinners who have been redeemed by God and we are His alone.  Our identity is something that we can not rightly get from any other source.  God has declared it and no one can overrule Him!

I think it is good to reflect on what God says we are in His son Jesus.  Don't transfer to anyone else God's right to tell you who you are!

Here are some things that God says about us in His word:

Change...

For those of you who, like me, sometimes get down on yourselves when thinking about the ongoing battles we have with the flesh, I thought the following quote I heard at the conference was very relevant. Sometimes it is demoralizing to continue to battle the same temptations and weaknesses and we think that healing or improvement can only occur through change and the complete removal of these temptations. That is not always God's answer though. Personally I think the continued presence of some of my temptations, although in many ways certainly having improved over the past couple of years, serve to keep me humble and continually seeking Christ. They continually remind me that I need Him as Savior and Healer and that the answer is always more of Him and less of me.

"Change is not the absence of struggles, but change is the freedom to choose holiness in the midst of our struggles."

Every time we choose not to give in to our temptations, we gain victory in Christ through that struggle and that is what leads us to holiness, not necessarily the complete removal of the temptation or struggle.

How have your own personal struggles and temptations drawn you closer and more dependent on Christ? I never thought I would say this, but I am grateful for my struggles with living out holiness in the face of my fleshly desires and same sex attractions. Thank you God for using my sin to convict me of my need for a Savior and drawing me to You.

Testimony

Thanks for visiting my blog. I thought I would start off by introducing myself and giving my testimony to God's work in my life.

Growing up Catholic, I remember from a very early age the Bible's condemnation of homosexual behavior. The strengthening same gender attractions I experienced as a teenager were frightening to me and served to produce overwhelming feelings of shame. I spent many years trying to suppress my attractions and holding out hope that these urges were just some kind of phase I was going through. I thought that eventually I would be just like all of my other friends who were interested in girlfriends, dating and marriage. These hopes for change never did materialize. Perhaps out of some anger with God, I started to act out on these homosexual desires. I reasoned that if God had created me as a gay man than it was simply cruel and unreasonable for Him to expect me to pretend to be something that I wasn't. I'd asked Him repeatedly to take these desires away from me and He didn't, and so I rationalized that the problem was with Him – not with me. It took many years for me to really embrace homosexuality. I had been spending large amounts of time on gay websites where my focus was really on finding other local guys to meet up with. In my late twenties, I finally summoned up what I considered at the time to be the courage to come out as gay to pretty much everyone I knew. I felt a sense of freedom that this part of me was finally out there. I really had the full support of my mom and sisters as well as many of my friends. The gay community offered me something that I had been denying myself through my secrecy for years. I felt embraced and accepted. As time went on more and more of my time was being spent at local gay bars – often drinking excessively and eventually getting into other drugs, especially cocaine.

As I continued down this path, God continued to be further and further from my mind. Finally, in my late 30's, I had started suffering with anxiety and panic attacks. With my awareness of the negative effects of cocaine, I was often fearful that the panic attacks I was having might actually be a heart attack. Finally, on New Years Day of 2010, after a couple hours with a rapid heart beat and feeling lightheaded, I drove to the emergency room. I was somewhat scared and for whatever reason, I decided to talk to God. Selfishness pretty much characterized my life during this period of time, and rather than simply praying to Him for guidance, I tried to make a deal with Him. I told Him that if He just allowed this episode – what I thought was a heart attack – to pass, I would work on being more healthy....I might even start exercising. Well, as I should have known, we don't set the terms of a deal with God. This was the point in time God began to change my life in ways that were unlike anything I had ever experienced...

After a couple of hours in the emergency room, the diagnosis was once again a panic attack. I felt relieved and went back home. I didn't give any thought at all to that bargain I had made with God. I did, however, have the desire to go online and look for a personal trainer or some type of gym to possibly start working out. I didn't really do this out of any sense of obligation to God because of my “bargain”. I simply felt like I wanted to take some steps to be more healthy. I stumbled across a website, contacted them, and I soon got a call from one of the trainers and started exercising. Everything was going along fine but I was becoming increasingly aware of changes in my thoughts, which were becoming more drawn toward spirituality. Well, I soon found out that the step-father of my trainer was a Christian Pastor. My perception of Christians was pretty negative at the time – mostly due to the conflict I perceived between the church and homosexuals – so I thought this was an interesting development. I found myself being somehow drawn to my trainer as well as his sisters, who were also personal trainers and who I would often see at the studio. I had no idea what it was that was drawing me to them, just a perception that they had something that I lacked. Well, our conversations soon turned toward God, spirituality, and religion and he invited me to attend his church some time.

I never did find whatever it was that I was seeking from the “gay community”. Since coming becoming a follower of Christ, my life has changed in so many profound ways. I struggled with the issue of homosexuality and how it fit into God's plan for me. It was immediately impressed upon me by God that the sexual activity had to stop right away. Somewhat to my surprise, God graciously enabled me to obey Him in this area relatively easily. What I was left with though were thoughts of being alone for the rest of my life and never having that “significant” person like a spouse who you could rely on to be there for you through hardships or in old age. I frequently burdened my new Christian brothers with unrealistic and selfish demands, expecting them to fill emotional needs I had that no one person could ever fill. God used my struggles in looking for comfort from others to bring me much closer to Him. In those frequent times of isolation and intense feelings of being alone, He faithfully revealed Himself to me. Although my prayers to Him were geared toward relieving me of my loneliness, He always chose to do something even better than that. He would come to me right in the very worst moments of my loneliness. When I felt like I could get no lower, no more pitiful, depressed, unloved and abandoned by everyone, He constantly whispered to me; “I'm still here and I always will be”. I'm a pretty stubborn person and so it took quite a few repetitions of these periods of depression. What He was doing was reinforcing to me the promise He makes to believers in Hebrews 13:5:

“...I will never leave you nor forsake you.”

So while up to this point I had believed that I would get closer to God through Him rescuing me from all of my emotional struggles, I now came to realize that it was in finding Him right there with me in the worst of my struggles that most powerfully demonstrated His power and compassion. I had spent years avoiding my struggles through secrecy and pursuing selfish interests and so God seemed to be demonstrating to me that my path to healing had to include facing struggles head on and being transparent with some good brothers. He showed me that no matter what situation I faced, what needs I had, or what I thought wasn't going my way, He never leaves me. He would be with me through every moment of the rest of my life. While my order of things was to first find friends who could meet my needs, His order for me was to find Him first, to cast my needs upon Him, and only then could healthy relationships begin to develop.

Transformation for me has not been a change in my attractions from men to women. I still struggle with same sex temptations. While the temptations I face in this area have lessened over the past couple of years, the real transformation He has worked in me has been in giving me the freedom to make different choices in the midst of those temptations. My struggle with homosexuality allows me to feel the depths of Gods love for me like nothing else I can imagine would. He took an area of my life that I felt I had no control over and turned it in to one where I have the freedom to choose Him rather than sexual sin. This continued struggle is a powerful reminder to me every single day that I am completely unable to live up to God's standards on my own, and that it is only through the power of the Holy Spirit and the death and resurrection of Christ that I am able to claim any sort of victory in this area of my life. By coming to know that I am weak in this area, I can offer it up to Him as something I am powerless to control and can only rely on His strength to keep me in a place of obedience. Apart from God, I have no victory in this area of my life.

I have found comfort in many of the verses in the Bible, but here are 2 of them that I have found most impacting.

The first is 1 Corinthians 6:9-11:
"Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God."

God's never condemns us for our sinfulness without offering us hope and encouragement. Because He sacrificed His Son to atone for our sinfulness, He can say to us “and such were some of you”. When we place our trust in Christ we are a new creation, free from the labels of our past, and with a new identity that is in Christ.

The second verse is James 5:16:

"Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed..."

It was by putting my struggles out there among my brothers that God was able to work through those good brothers to demonstrate to me His compassion. By letting my brothers more fully know me, God could use them to provide healing for me within healthy Christian relationships.

Thank you for allowing me to tell you some of the ways that God has been at work in my life.