Fight the Good Fight

"Fight the good fight of faith; take hold of the eternal life to which you were called..."

(1 Timothy 6:12 NASB)

A hard lesson learned over this past few weeks:

• Faith is something we must constantly fight for
• It is a good fight

After a period of several months of very real transformation, I let down my guard.  In a sense, I became comfortable with where I was at and even overly confident in ways.  Things seemed to be going real well.  I felt that I was growing in my love of God, as well as my love of other people.  I spent time in the Word, in prayer, and in service to others.  But something was lacking.  I certainly wasn't as thankful as I should have been for the great things that God was doing in my life.  Pride crept in and rather than giving all of the glory to God, I think in some ways I was reserving some for myself.  I felt that I had things under control.

"Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like 

a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour."

(1 Peter 5:8 NASB)

Sin can creep in unnoticed.  It can spread like an infection.  In my complacency and attitude of having everything under control, I was not as quick to address things occurring in my thought life as I should have been.  After all, I had everything under control.

Who Will You Follow?: Matthew 6:19-24

19 “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20 But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves do not break in or steal; 21 for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

22 “The eye is the lamp of the body; so then if your eye is clear, your whole body will be full of light. 23 But if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light that is in you is darkness, how great is the darkness!"

24 “No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and wealth."

(Matthew 6:19-24 NASB)

Who will you serve today?  Jesus teaches us that the things of this world are not lasting.  When we put our efforts, desires, and energies into securing the pleasures that satisfy the flesh, our only treasures will be ones made of that which is perishable.

The choices I have made in my life have always tended to be those that sought after meeting immediate "needs" or satisfying my desires for pleasure.  The Lord tells us that the treasure we seek through gratifying the flesh and seeking after that which is not Godly has no lasting value.  They are not eternal treasures, and the choices we make to pursue them are, in fact, choices which deny God's position as 1st in our lives.  Both in the preceding verses and throughout the Bible, Jesus teaches us that this brief time we have here on earth is for the purpose of serving God and doing for others in His name.  We truly have a choice to make: do we serve God or do our actions show our hatred for Him and His ways?

The Lord tells us that we must make a choice.  To serve Him or to serve the things of the world.  We cannot do both.

In what ways are you denying the truth of Jesus' teaching that the only treasure which has real value is the treasure which we store up for ourselves in Heaven?  This is the treasure which is promised to us when we live a life characterized by honoring and obeying God alone.  Are your eyes locked on the truths of God or is your vision corrupted by the pursuit of those things that are valued by the world?  God says that if our eye is bad than our bodies are filled with darkness.  What longings of the heart and behaviors of the flesh cause your vision to be blinded to the Truth?

Father, keep us ever mindful of the fleeting pleasures of this world and how they cannot compare to a life spent serving and honoring to you.  Let us seek to put our treasures in Your hands, stored safely in the Eternal Place that You have promised as the final destination to those who believe in You; Heaven.

Barnabas, Paul & John Mark

"Barnabas, Son of Encouragement and Comfort"

"When he came to Jerusalem, [Paul] was trying to associate with the disciples; but they were all afraid of him, not believing that he was a disciple.  But Barnabas took hold of him and brought him to the apostles and described to them how he had seen the Lord on the road, and that He had talked to him, and how at Damascus he had spoken out boldly in the name of Jesus."

(Acts 9:26-27 NASB)

Barnabas, whose birth name was Joses (Joseph) first appears in the New Testament in Acts 4:36.  After selling all he owned and giving the proceeds to the Apostles, they gave him a new name: Barnabas, meaning "son of encouragement" or "son of consolation" (comfort).  From this initial mention in Scripture, the word encouragement would be forever associated with Barnabas.

In Acts 9:26-28, we see Paul attempting to join with the Apostles in Jerusalem shortly after his conversion.  Well known to the Apostles, Paul (Saul) had spent years being "the persecutor of the Church" (Acts 9:1).  They were understandably skeptical of believing in Paul's conversion and instead chose to reject him out of fear.  But Barnabas reacted differently.  Rather than rejecting Paul as the Apostles had just done, Barnabas actually takes him back before the Apostles and declares his conviction that Paul is a true believer in Christ.  He vouches for Paul at great risk to his own reputation.  Upon being confronted by Barnabas, we see in the very next verse that they immediately accept him because of Barnabas' convictions as to the truth of Paul's faith.

Encouragement For Struggling Friends

In many ways, my first year of following Christ seemed (to me) to be marked by a lack of encouragement from other Christians around me.  Not that encouragement was non-existent; more-so just muted, conditional, or somewhat reserved.  I think several factors played into this, one of which was the unfamiliarity of many at my church with homosexuality and how it looks to transition from the "gay lifestyle" to that of committed follower of Jesus.  At times I felt that it was up to me to prove to my brothers and sisters in Christ that I was serious about my new life.  While never outright told this, I sensed they felt I had to first "fix" certain aspects of my character, attractions, and sexuality in order to prove myself worthy of their encouragement and praise.  This deficit of encouragement that I perceived often contributed to a lack of hope on my part and caused me to question whether any of this transformation was even possible.  Rather than being pursued by my bothers and sisters at the church, I felt that I was always in a struggle to stay connected to the Body.  I often wanted to leave the church and find one where I would be embraced on terms equal to the embrace of sinners who struggled in more "comfortable" ways.  It was often a struggle to stay a part of this community of believers.  It was as if I had to constantly remind them "Hey, there is hope for me too! I am not beyond God's power to save and heal!".  Being a new believer, I was perplexed by this as I thought that these statements were ones they should have been loudly proclaiming to me, not the other way around!

God's Patience

I have been bothered since writing my last post that I missed the real truth of patience.  The amazing story is not the patience that the Spirit develops in us (although it is vital), but rather the awesome patience that God displays toward His creation.  How quick we are to lose patience with our fellow brother, friend, coworker, or loved one when they don't live up to our expectations?  What hope would we have if God's patience looked more like man's?  How much more have we fallen short of the Fathers expectations and hopes for us than our fellow man has fallen short of ours?  It is immeasurable.

Intertwined with His mercy, God's patience is displayed throughout the Bible.  Toward the Israelites in Nehemiah 9:17:

        They refused to obey and were not mindful of the wonders that you performed among them, but they stiffened their neck and appointed a leader to return to their slavery in Egypt. But you are a God ready to forgive, gracious and merciful, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love, and did not forsake them. (Nehemiah 9:17 ESV)

In 1 Kings, God displays His patience with Ahab.  In Genesis 6, He was patient with His creation before the flood.  Also, in Psalm 103, we see God's patience described by His mercy, slowness to anger and His steadfast love:

The LORD is merciful and gracious,
slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.
(Psalm 103:8 ESV)

In 2 Peter 3, God is described as patient in His desire that all should come to repentance and salvation:

The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance. (2 Peter 3:9 ESV)

God's patience toward sinners is a great gift to us.  He wants us all to come to repent (Acts 3:19) and gain eternal life with Him (Jn 3:16).  Where would we be and what chance of salvation would we have if God had the patience of you and I?

It is a part of the Divine goodness and mercy, yet differs from both. God being the greatest goodness, hath the greatest mildness; mildness is always the companion of true goodness, and the greater the goodness, the greater the mildness. Who so holy as Christ, and who so meek? God’s slowness to anger is a branch of His mercy: "the Lord is full of compassion, slow to anger" (Ps. 145:8). It differs from mercy in the formal consideration of the subject: mercy respects the creature as miserable, patience respects the creature as criminal; mercy pities him in his misery, patience bears with the sin which engendered the misery, and giving birth to more.

Personally we would define the Divine patience as that power of control which God exercises over Himself, causing Him to bear with the wicked and forebear so long in punishing them. In Nahum 1:3 we read, "The Lord is slow to anger and great in power," upon which Mr. Charnock said,

Men that are great in the world are quick in passion, and are not so ready to forgive an injury, or bear with an offender, as one of a meaner rank. It is a want of power over that man’s self that makes him do unbecoming things upon a provocation. A prince that can bridle his passions is a king over himself as well as over his subjects. God is slow to anger because great in power. He has no less power over Himself than over His creatures. 

-Stephen Charnock (1628-1680) (1)

(1) The Attributes of God, A.W. Pink 

Testimony

Thanks for visiting my blog. I thought I would start off by introducing myself and giving my testimony to God's work in my life.

Growing up Catholic, I remember from a very early age the Bible's condemnation of homosexual behavior. The strengthening same gender attractions I experienced as a teenager were frightening to me and served to produce overwhelming feelings of shame. I spent many years trying to suppress my attractions and holding out hope that these urges were just some kind of phase I was going through. I thought that eventually I would be just like all of my other friends who were interested in girlfriends, dating and marriage. These hopes for change never did materialize. Perhaps out of some anger with God, I started to act out on these homosexual desires. I reasoned that if God had created me as a gay man than it was simply cruel and unreasonable for Him to expect me to pretend to be something that I wasn't. I'd asked Him repeatedly to take these desires away from me and He didn't, and so I rationalized that the problem was with Him – not with me. It took many years for me to really embrace homosexuality. I had been spending large amounts of time on gay websites where my focus was really on finding other local guys to meet up with. In my late twenties, I finally summoned up what I considered at the time to be the courage to come out as gay to pretty much everyone I knew. I felt a sense of freedom that this part of me was finally out there. I really had the full support of my mom and sisters as well as many of my friends. The gay community offered me something that I had been denying myself through my secrecy for years. I felt embraced and accepted. As time went on more and more of my time was being spent at local gay bars – often drinking excessively and eventually getting into other drugs, especially cocaine.

As I continued down this path, God continued to be further and further from my mind. Finally, in my late 30's, I had started suffering with anxiety and panic attacks. With my awareness of the negative effects of cocaine, I was often fearful that the panic attacks I was having might actually be a heart attack. Finally, on New Years Day of 2010, after a couple hours with a rapid heart beat and feeling lightheaded, I drove to the emergency room. I was somewhat scared and for whatever reason, I decided to talk to God. Selfishness pretty much characterized my life during this period of time, and rather than simply praying to Him for guidance, I tried to make a deal with Him. I told Him that if He just allowed this episode – what I thought was a heart attack – to pass, I would work on being more healthy....I might even start exercising. Well, as I should have known, we don't set the terms of a deal with God. This was the point in time God began to change my life in ways that were unlike anything I had ever experienced...

After a couple of hours in the emergency room, the diagnosis was once again a panic attack. I felt relieved and went back home. I didn't give any thought at all to that bargain I had made with God. I did, however, have the desire to go online and look for a personal trainer or some type of gym to possibly start working out. I didn't really do this out of any sense of obligation to God because of my “bargain”. I simply felt like I wanted to take some steps to be more healthy. I stumbled across a website, contacted them, and I soon got a call from one of the trainers and started exercising. Everything was going along fine but I was becoming increasingly aware of changes in my thoughts, which were becoming more drawn toward spirituality. Well, I soon found out that the step-father of my trainer was a Christian Pastor. My perception of Christians was pretty negative at the time – mostly due to the conflict I perceived between the church and homosexuals – so I thought this was an interesting development. I found myself being somehow drawn to my trainer as well as his sisters, who were also personal trainers and who I would often see at the studio. I had no idea what it was that was drawing me to them, just a perception that they had something that I lacked. Well, our conversations soon turned toward God, spirituality, and religion and he invited me to attend his church some time.

I never did find whatever it was that I was seeking from the “gay community”. Since coming becoming a follower of Christ, my life has changed in so many profound ways. I struggled with the issue of homosexuality and how it fit into God's plan for me. It was immediately impressed upon me by God that the sexual activity had to stop right away. Somewhat to my surprise, God graciously enabled me to obey Him in this area relatively easily. What I was left with though were thoughts of being alone for the rest of my life and never having that “significant” person like a spouse who you could rely on to be there for you through hardships or in old age. I frequently burdened my new Christian brothers with unrealistic and selfish demands, expecting them to fill emotional needs I had that no one person could ever fill. God used my struggles in looking for comfort from others to bring me much closer to Him. In those frequent times of isolation and intense feelings of being alone, He faithfully revealed Himself to me. Although my prayers to Him were geared toward relieving me of my loneliness, He always chose to do something even better than that. He would come to me right in the very worst moments of my loneliness. When I felt like I could get no lower, no more pitiful, depressed, unloved and abandoned by everyone, He constantly whispered to me; “I'm still here and I always will be”. I'm a pretty stubborn person and so it took quite a few repetitions of these periods of depression. What He was doing was reinforcing to me the promise He makes to believers in Hebrews 13:5:

“...I will never leave you nor forsake you.”

So while up to this point I had believed that I would get closer to God through Him rescuing me from all of my emotional struggles, I now came to realize that it was in finding Him right there with me in the worst of my struggles that most powerfully demonstrated His power and compassion. I had spent years avoiding my struggles through secrecy and pursuing selfish interests and so God seemed to be demonstrating to me that my path to healing had to include facing struggles head on and being transparent with some good brothers. He showed me that no matter what situation I faced, what needs I had, or what I thought wasn't going my way, He never leaves me. He would be with me through every moment of the rest of my life. While my order of things was to first find friends who could meet my needs, His order for me was to find Him first, to cast my needs upon Him, and only then could healthy relationships begin to develop.

Transformation for me has not been a change in my attractions from men to women. I still struggle with same sex temptations. While the temptations I face in this area have lessened over the past couple of years, the real transformation He has worked in me has been in giving me the freedom to make different choices in the midst of those temptations. My struggle with homosexuality allows me to feel the depths of Gods love for me like nothing else I can imagine would. He took an area of my life that I felt I had no control over and turned it in to one where I have the freedom to choose Him rather than sexual sin. This continued struggle is a powerful reminder to me every single day that I am completely unable to live up to God's standards on my own, and that it is only through the power of the Holy Spirit and the death and resurrection of Christ that I am able to claim any sort of victory in this area of my life. By coming to know that I am weak in this area, I can offer it up to Him as something I am powerless to control and can only rely on His strength to keep me in a place of obedience. Apart from God, I have no victory in this area of my life.

I have found comfort in many of the verses in the Bible, but here are 2 of them that I have found most impacting.

The first is 1 Corinthians 6:9-11:
"Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God."

God's never condemns us for our sinfulness without offering us hope and encouragement. Because He sacrificed His Son to atone for our sinfulness, He can say to us “and such were some of you”. When we place our trust in Christ we are a new creation, free from the labels of our past, and with a new identity that is in Christ.

The second verse is James 5:16:

"Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed..."

It was by putting my struggles out there among my brothers that God was able to work through those good brothers to demonstrate to me His compassion. By letting my brothers more fully know me, God could use them to provide healing for me within healthy Christian relationships.

Thank you for allowing me to tell you some of the ways that God has been at work in my life.