Men's Group

I have been fortunate to be a part of a men's discipleship group for the past several months.  The group also has a component of it which focuses more on accountability, and I will likely write about that aspect of this in the near future.  This larger discipleship group currently is comprised of 10 men.  We meet every Saturday and it is organized through the church I attend.  We have been working through the Men With No Regrets workbook series.  I was very reluctant to participate in this group, however I was encouraged to make the commitment to it by my pastor, who was organizing the group, and by a good friend who would also be participating.

Looking back, I think my reluctance to jump into this group was brought on by a couple of factors.  One of them was certainly my past experiences when in groups of heterosexual men (church or otherwise); be it a group of 3 or 50.  When I find myself in some type of group or gathering of men, I have a tendency to focus on the ways that I am different from them rather than seeing all of the ways that we are similar.  This usually leaves me with a sense of feeling that I don't really fit in or belong with them.  In all honesty, I don't really have an interest in many of the things that these guys tend to talk about.  I like sports, especially football, but I don't feel the need to be up on every aspect of it or to know every stat.  I enjoy participating in sports such as football, softball, etc., but I'm really not all that good so I tend to shy away from them.  I like family and kids, however not having a spouse or children, I feel like their is only so much that I can add to conversations of this type.  In addition, I just get a sense of not being considered "one of the guys" on some level.

Dissatisfaction With Friendships

For the majority of my life, I have had a general sense of dissatisfaction with my friendships.  I am speaking more to close friendships, not the every day type of friendship that wouldn't fall under the category of good or close friend.  I don't, nor have I ever felt like my friends, the close ones, are able to truly relate to me or understand me; my loves, my fears, my motivations, etc.  Often I feel disappointed in them, in so much as it really doesn't even seem like they want to understand me - or if they do seek to understand me, it is only with the intent of proving there fears about me right or wrong, or to use the knowledge to manipulate me.  Sure, most ask questions of me at times to perhaps gain some insight, but it generally seems to be a curiosity prefaced by their thought that I am somehow not normal in my thoughts and emotions.  Certainly I have my areas of "unusualness", but this difference they experience between me and themselves does not necessarily indicate that my thoughts and emotions are somehow wrong.

I think in many ways, when I initially started attending my church in January 2010, the men there who knew of my past were very reluctant to be open to friendship with me.  I certainly felt, and still feel, that I have to prove myself to them in some way.  This is not at all the case with all men, but it is a reality with many of them.  It is somewhat in line with the prevalent feeling of many homosexuals seeking Christ in the church in that it sometimes seems like Christians expect you to fix this sin of homosexuality before  the church will embrace you - rather than the church embracing the homosexual and walking alongside him while God transforms him and "fixes" the problem.

Friendship: Part 1

Greater love has no one than this, that
one lay down his life for his friends.

Looking back on the friendships of my past, they were often marked by great happiness and conversely, great sadness and pain; sometimes in rapid succession.  The happiness was in spending time with a friend who's mere presence can brighten my mood and give me a sense of being loved and accepted.  Sadness and pain upon the realization that the label "close friend" or "good friend" seems to have a totally different meaning to me than it does for so many others.

"Love does not give up on people when they are struggling. It does not give in to despair in the face of extreme difficulty. It does not declare that someone’s heart can never change or that a broken community can never be healed. Love hopes all things. Understand that whenever we give up hope, this is really a failure to love, because love hopes."

I suppose it would help if I clarified my ideas of what types of friendships I have experienced.  First, "friend" is not a label that I throw around loosely.   I try to be realistic in identifying the type of relationships I have with people.  For the most part, I don't consider co-workers to be friends.  With few exceptions, I always look at them as acquaintances.  I would also apply the acquaintance label to most people I socialized with at certain places such as bars.  These were people with whom my contact was limited to certain times or places.  If I removed myself from those places, whether it be the bar, work, or even church, I would not necessarily maintain contact with them or continue on in any type of relationship.  They are all relationships that are conditional on some factor other than a mutual, voluntary choice to have someone be a part of your life.

Encouragement For Struggling Friends

In many ways, my first year of following Christ seemed (to me) to be marked by a lack of encouragement from other Christians around me.  Not that encouragement was non-existent; more-so just muted, conditional, or somewhat reserved.  I think several factors played into this, one of which was the unfamiliarity of many at my church with homosexuality and how it looks to transition from the "gay lifestyle" to that of committed follower of Jesus.  At times I felt that it was up to me to prove to my brothers and sisters in Christ that I was serious about my new life.  While never outright told this, I sensed they felt I had to first "fix" certain aspects of my character, attractions, and sexuality in order to prove myself worthy of their encouragement and praise.  This deficit of encouragement that I perceived often contributed to a lack of hope on my part and caused me to question whether any of this transformation was even possible.  Rather than being pursued by my bothers and sisters at the church, I felt that I was always in a struggle to stay connected to the Body.  I often wanted to leave the church and find one where I would be embraced on terms equal to the embrace of sinners who struggled in more "comfortable" ways.  It was often a struggle to stay a part of this community of believers.  It was as if I had to constantly remind them "Hey, there is hope for me too! I am not beyond God's power to save and heal!".  Being a new believer, I was perplexed by this as I thought that these statements were ones they should have been loudly proclaiming to me, not the other way around!

Hope and Singleness

A friend recently asked me the question "What gives you hope?". It came up during a discussion about my outlook on marriage. I expressed that I don't have a pull to get married, and in fact I don't suspect that it is God's will for me to do so in the foreseeable future, and likely ever. It struck me that what my friend was really expressing through this question was his view that without a spouse I was facing a future of uncertainty, loneliness and incompleteness; that I was somehow falling short of God's plan for His children.

It has been my observation that the church in general does a rather poor job of expressing God's gift of singleness to people.  Christians often make assumptions that singleness is a temporary condition.  Temporary in that, under "normal" circumstances, it is only to be experienced while one seeks out that significant person to join with in marriage.  This attitude implies that marriage is the highest of callings and leaves singleness as some sort of inferior state of existence.  I also see the idea expressed, often subtly, that upon reaching a certain age, one who is still single must be in that situation because they are somehow damaged, are sinful, or otherwise "broken".  Even those well intentioned phrases of referring to one's spouse as "my other half", or the statement that the marriage partner "completes me" further perpetuates this myth of single people being somehow only half a person or incomplete.

Love

All of my life I remember periods of falling in and out of "love" with other guys.  I thought highly of myself for these feelings of love I had for others; that I was somehow superior in my caring for others due to this "love".  What I wasn't so conscious of at the time, though, was just how self-seeking my love was. Sure, I was a nice guy in many respects.  A certain aspect of my love was geared toward helping the person I was loving.  However, I have more recently come to see that the ugly side of this love was a desire to get something from the other person.  I had that powerful "feeling" of loving someone, but unfortunately this "love" was not what is spoken of in the Bible in the following text:

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.

God's Patience

I have been bothered since writing my last post that I missed the real truth of patience.  The amazing story is not the patience that the Spirit develops in us (although it is vital), but rather the awesome patience that God displays toward His creation.  How quick we are to lose patience with our fellow brother, friend, coworker, or loved one when they don't live up to our expectations?  What hope would we have if God's patience looked more like man's?  How much more have we fallen short of the Fathers expectations and hopes for us than our fellow man has fallen short of ours?  It is immeasurable.

Intertwined with His mercy, God's patience is displayed throughout the Bible.  Toward the Israelites in Nehemiah 9:17:

        They refused to obey and were not mindful of the wonders that you performed among them, but they stiffened their neck and appointed a leader to return to their slavery in Egypt. But you are a God ready to forgive, gracious and merciful, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love, and did not forsake them. (Nehemiah 9:17 ESV)

In 1 Kings, God displays His patience with Ahab.  In Genesis 6, He was patient with His creation before the flood.  Also, in Psalm 103, we see God's patience described by His mercy, slowness to anger and His steadfast love:

The LORD is merciful and gracious,
slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.
(Psalm 103:8 ESV)

In 2 Peter 3, God is described as patient in His desire that all should come to repentance and salvation:

The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance. (2 Peter 3:9 ESV)

God's patience toward sinners is a great gift to us.  He wants us all to come to repent (Acts 3:19) and gain eternal life with Him (Jn 3:16).  Where would we be and what chance of salvation would we have if God had the patience of you and I?

It is a part of the Divine goodness and mercy, yet differs from both. God being the greatest goodness, hath the greatest mildness; mildness is always the companion of true goodness, and the greater the goodness, the greater the mildness. Who so holy as Christ, and who so meek? God’s slowness to anger is a branch of His mercy: "the Lord is full of compassion, slow to anger" (Ps. 145:8). It differs from mercy in the formal consideration of the subject: mercy respects the creature as miserable, patience respects the creature as criminal; mercy pities him in his misery, patience bears with the sin which engendered the misery, and giving birth to more.

Personally we would define the Divine patience as that power of control which God exercises over Himself, causing Him to bear with the wicked and forebear so long in punishing them. In Nahum 1:3 we read, "The Lord is slow to anger and great in power," upon which Mr. Charnock said,

Men that are great in the world are quick in passion, and are not so ready to forgive an injury, or bear with an offender, as one of a meaner rank. It is a want of power over that man’s self that makes him do unbecoming things upon a provocation. A prince that can bridle his passions is a king over himself as well as over his subjects. God is slow to anger because great in power. He has no less power over Himself than over His creatures. 

-Stephen Charnock (1628-1680) (1)

(1) The Attributes of God, A.W. Pink 

Patient With God?

I am often reminded that I have to be patient in waiting on God.  That is certainly true and is repeated throughout the Bible (Ps 37:7, Rom 8:25, Jas 5:7-8, Gal 5:22).  And not only are we to wait patiently, but we are told to wait quietly (Jas 5:9, Jas 5:12, Lam 3:26).  No grumbling, no swearing, and no complaining.

I have never been one who has been good at waiting patiently - for anything.  Like much of today's society, my life has been marked by getting whatever it is I want at exactly that time which I want it.  I can't tell you how many times, even in my new life as a follower of Christ, impatience has gotten the better of me - and in many ways continues to.  I prove my impatience by occasional sadness or anger over my current situation.  Also though focusing on my desire to do the "big things" for God's Kingdom while passing up on doing the "little things" which God puts in my path to provide me with needed spiritual training.

How much more I could have done for God and His people had I simply opened my eyes to opportunities to serve Him during my periods of waiting.  How many hurting people could I have comforted? How many people searching to feel loved could I have displayed God's love to?  How many lost souls could God have impacted through me if only I was more patient, less complaining, and more focused on His will rather than mine.  Impatience with where God has me at this moment is surely a sign of pride, lack of trust, and a desire that my will be done rather than His.  Not getting exactly what we want at this very moment is surely not a legitimate excuse for inaction.

I have to continually remind myself that truly trusting the Lord through faith means having a certain contentment with where He has me right now.  This contentment does not mean a complacency about the areas where I need spiritual growth...but it is a realization that I am where God has me, that I can impact others for Him right where I am, and this period of waiting may very well be God telling me that I am just not ready for that next step yet.  That He has more work that He needs to complete in me before I am ready for whatever it is I am waiting for...

Whether we find ourselves impatient in our desire for a better marriage, greater opportunities to serve the Lord in the area where we feel called, for better health or whatever the case may be, God may simply be telling us to open our eyes, look around and serve Him right where we are at.  Only then may we find our relationships restored, opportunities to pursue our calling presented to us or our prayers answered in all of those areas we desire change.

Finally, part of patiently waiting is believing that God can accomplish all things (Mt 19:26), expectantly hoping that He will answer answer our prayers (2 Cor 4:16-18; Rom 10:12), and trusting that He will give us whatever strength we need (Is 40:28-31).  In whatever circumstances you find yourself waiting, do it with confidence that God loves you and promises to meet your needs (Phil 4:19), to not allow you to be overtaken by temptation (1 Cor 10:13), to work all things for the good of those who love Him (Rom 8:28), and that we will have eternal life with Him through His Son Jesus (Jn 10:27-28; 1 Cor 6:14).

Your hope as a believer is in the Lord. He causes all things in your life (including problems and trials) to work together for good as you continually respond in love (demonstrated through obedience) to Him. Out of the hope that God provides, your faith and love can be biblically expressed in any situation. Understanding and responding biblically to problems glorifies God while He further conforms you to the image of Jesus Christ.

The hope that God has provided for you is not merely a wish. Neither is it dependent on other people, possessions, or circumstances for its validity. Instead, biblical hope is an application of your faith that supplies a confident expectation in God’s fulfillment of His promises. Coupled with faith and love, hope is part of the abiding characteristics in a believer’s life.

-Biblical Counseling Foundation