Men's Group

I have been fortunate to be a part of a men's discipleship group for the past several months.  The group also has a component of it which focuses more on accountability, and I will likely write about that aspect of this in the near future.  This larger discipleship group currently is comprised of 10 men.  We meet every Saturday and it is organized through the church I attend.  We have been working through the Men With No Regrets workbook series.  I was very reluctant to participate in this group, however I was encouraged to make the commitment to it by my pastor, who was organizing the group, and by a good friend who would also be participating.

Looking back, I think my reluctance to jump into this group was brought on by a couple of factors.  One of them was certainly my past experiences when in groups of heterosexual men (church or otherwise); be it a group of 3 or 50.  When I find myself in some type of group or gathering of men, I have a tendency to focus on the ways that I am different from them rather than seeing all of the ways that we are similar.  This usually leaves me with a sense of feeling that I don't really fit in or belong with them.  In all honesty, I don't really have an interest in many of the things that these guys tend to talk about.  I like sports, especially football, but I don't feel the need to be up on every aspect of it or to know every stat.  I enjoy participating in sports such as football, softball, etc., but I'm really not all that good so I tend to shy away from them.  I like family and kids, however not having a spouse or children, I feel like their is only so much that I can add to conversations of this type.  In addition, I just get a sense of not being considered "one of the guys" on some level.

Dissatisfaction With Friendships

For the majority of my life, I have had a general sense of dissatisfaction with my friendships.  I am speaking more to close friendships, not the every day type of friendship that wouldn't fall under the category of good or close friend.  I don't, nor have I ever felt like my friends, the close ones, are able to truly relate to me or understand me; my loves, my fears, my motivations, etc.  Often I feel disappointed in them, in so much as it really doesn't even seem like they want to understand me - or if they do seek to understand me, it is only with the intent of proving there fears about me right or wrong, or to use the knowledge to manipulate me.  Sure, most ask questions of me at times to perhaps gain some insight, but it generally seems to be a curiosity prefaced by their thought that I am somehow not normal in my thoughts and emotions.  Certainly I have my areas of "unusualness", but this difference they experience between me and themselves does not necessarily indicate that my thoughts and emotions are somehow wrong.

I think in many ways, when I initially started attending my church in January 2010, the men there who knew of my past were very reluctant to be open to friendship with me.  I certainly felt, and still feel, that I have to prove myself to them in some way.  This is not at all the case with all men, but it is a reality with many of them.  It is somewhat in line with the prevalent feeling of many homosexuals seeking Christ in the church in that it sometimes seems like Christians expect you to fix this sin of homosexuality before  the church will embrace you - rather than the church embracing the homosexual and walking alongside him while God transforms him and "fixes" the problem.

Encouragement For Struggling Friends

In many ways, my first year of following Christ seemed (to me) to be marked by a lack of encouragement from other Christians around me.  Not that encouragement was non-existent; more-so just muted, conditional, or somewhat reserved.  I think several factors played into this, one of which was the unfamiliarity of many at my church with homosexuality and how it looks to transition from the "gay lifestyle" to that of committed follower of Jesus.  At times I felt that it was up to me to prove to my brothers and sisters in Christ that I was serious about my new life.  While never outright told this, I sensed they felt I had to first "fix" certain aspects of my character, attractions, and sexuality in order to prove myself worthy of their encouragement and praise.  This deficit of encouragement that I perceived often contributed to a lack of hope on my part and caused me to question whether any of this transformation was even possible.  Rather than being pursued by my bothers and sisters at the church, I felt that I was always in a struggle to stay connected to the Body.  I often wanted to leave the church and find one where I would be embraced on terms equal to the embrace of sinners who struggled in more "comfortable" ways.  It was often a struggle to stay a part of this community of believers.  It was as if I had to constantly remind them "Hey, there is hope for me too! I am not beyond God's power to save and heal!".  Being a new believer, I was perplexed by this as I thought that these statements were ones they should have been loudly proclaiming to me, not the other way around!

Change...

For those of you who, like me, sometimes get down on yourselves when thinking about the ongoing battles we have with the flesh, I thought the following quote I heard at the conference was very relevant. Sometimes it is demoralizing to continue to battle the same temptations and weaknesses and we think that healing or improvement can only occur through change and the complete removal of these temptations. That is not always God's answer though. Personally I think the continued presence of some of my temptations, although in many ways certainly having improved over the past couple of years, serve to keep me humble and continually seeking Christ. They continually remind me that I need Him as Savior and Healer and that the answer is always more of Him and less of me.

"Change is not the absence of struggles, but change is the freedom to choose holiness in the midst of our struggles."

Every time we choose not to give in to our temptations, we gain victory in Christ through that struggle and that is what leads us to holiness, not necessarily the complete removal of the temptation or struggle.

How have your own personal struggles and temptations drawn you closer and more dependent on Christ? I never thought I would say this, but I am grateful for my struggles with living out holiness in the face of my fleshly desires and same sex attractions. Thank you God for using my sin to convict me of my need for a Savior and drawing me to You.